I took the investment banking offer because I was afraid.

Not afraid of the job. Afraid of what would happen if I went after the one I actually wanted — and they said no.

The bank was platinum. Everyone wanted it. Saying yes felt like winning. What nobody saw was what I was using it to hide.

My fear. It was nearly all-consuming. Not just of interviewing, although the mini-panic attacks were bad. No, it was a deeper kind of fear.

I took the job because I was terrified that it was the only job offer I was going to get.

What if they had made a mistake? What if no one else would find me worthy of their ranks? What if the companies that I actually wanted rejected me?

I didn’t even know I was doing it, but I had let my fear win. I had let it trap me.

That was 25 years ago.

I went on to become a two-time CEO. The fear came with me.

Time doesn’t make the fear go away.

Going after what you really want, knowing that you could be rejected, that kind of fear doesn’t care about your age or your title.

It can find a way through, no matter where you are in your career.

Inertia is often fear in disguise.

“I know I should… but I just can’t,” he confessed with his eyes cast down, when I asked him why he hadn’t started networking.

I was meeting with a prospective client, a C-suite exec, who had just shared that he had known months ago that his current job wasn’t a good fit.

There was no path for growth, he was undercompensated compared to the market, and he didn’t enjoy the culture — all work, no play.

He knew he should be making a move, but couldn’t bring himself to start the process. After nearly 9 months, he finally reached out to me after his wife nudged him to get help.

I could hear the same rationalizations I made when I let my fear guide me. The time constraints and concerns about his resume, and worries about not knowing the right direction.

And then he paused and took a breath:

“I’m not sure anyone else will see what I have to offer.”

He looked at me, waiting for me to respond. Acknowledging it meant facing his fear. It was one of the most courageous statements I’ve ever heard from a leader.

There is something about the job search process that transforms everyone, even the most confident, successful leader, into a self-doubting, anxious, skittish person.

The judgment, the rejection, and these days, the ghosting.
It’s all too much.

The truth is, we’re all being evaluated in our jobs at every moment, but somehow, the quarterly targets or annual performance reviews create a facade that we are only on the chopping block a few times a year. The rest of the time, we breathe a false, but satisfying sigh of relief.

And so we stay — far longer than we should — in jobs that we’ve outgrown, in companies that drain us of our energy and our spirit.

Job searching is a special kind of torture.

For senior leaders who are used to being the decision-makers, the ones with the answers, the ones leading the charge for their teams, job searching flips the script.

From having the authority and the power to relinquishing both and becoming just another candidate who has to prove themselves and is at the beck and call of the hiring team — it’s a hard transition.

I get why so many leaders avoid starting the process (until they are forced to).

A two-time CEO and COO, and yet I was still plagued with the fears of my twenty-year-old self.

I was so scared of facing the unknown that I didn’t even realize I wanted to leave the company. That’s how fear works — it clouds your judgment, and it manufactures excuse after excuse to help you explain why.

Before you know it, days become weeks and weeks become months.

The job search doesn’t frighten people because it’s hard. It frightens them because it’s the one place where the thing that actually matters to them is on the line.

Worthiness. Belonging. Being chosen by the place that counts.

The fear brings you back to being eight years old. Waiting to be chosen for the kickball team. Answering wrong when the teacher called on you, the whole class watching.

These moments aren't weakness. They're just what it felt like to be human before you learned to hide it.

The secret to starting the job search process isn’t complicated.

It all starts with mindset.

The thing about a job search is that most people think of it the wrong way:

“I need to find a place that will hire me into the role I want with the pay I want.”

When actually, the right way to think about it is:

When you flip the script from “I need to find a way in” to “I need to help them find me,” you approach the process with a completely different attitude:

One of service instead of one of desperation.

In fact, when you use this approach, you realize it's less about letting go of your power and more about having the opportunity to be freed from the daily responsibility of thinking about everyone else instead of yourself.

Rather than worrying about all the people, processes, systems, tools — or what you do every day — you get to simply focus on what makes you incredible and what you can do to help an organization.

And instead of visualizing yourself running a gauntlet with hiring teams out to shoot you down, think of it as a chance to get to know organizations that need you.

You get to showcase your achievements, capabilities, and acumen, and be recognized for them. Unlike much of the rest of your work (and probably life), this entire process is about you.

Today, what I tell my clients is what I would tell my twenty-year-old self:

It’s not about taking a different job. It’s not about the job at all.

The fear you’re hiding from already knows where you live. Don’t let it keep you smaller than you actually are.

If this piece struck a chord, please consider sharing it with someone who you know will benefit. There are so many excellent leaders who are either out of work or wish they were, and are struggling with their next step.

If this can help just one of them, I would be so grateful.

Share

And if you are open to sharing your journey or a tip on how to get past the fear, the ick, the avoidance that holds up so many leaders from kicking off their search, I’d love to hear it.

Feel free to reply to this email (if you’re a subscriber) or add it to the Comments.

Leave a comment

May you lead without limits,

P.S. If you’re a leader who is thinking about what’s next, but you just aren’t sure. I’d love to chat.

I’m building something new for this fall. It’ll be a chance to step away from your day-to-day and give yourself the space to jumpstart your career.

If you want to learn more, send me a note. I’d love your input.

To build it. Tear it down. Reconfigure it. Build it again.

That eight-year-old girl grew up to build the longest floating bridge in Iraq, command an 800-person battalion in Afghanistan, and earn a PhD in engineering. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, she also figured out how to defeat the most dangerous enemy she’d ever face.

Not the ones shooting at her base. Not the assassination attempts.

The mean little voice inside her own head.

That’s Jenn Donahue — engineer, Navy Commander, author — and last week she joined me for a Substack Live that I’m still thinking about.

Here’s the thing: I brought Jenn on because I knew her story was extraordinary. What I didn’t expect was how much it would land for the high-achieving leaders I write for every week. Because what she walked through, the success, the dark chapter, the clawing back out, this is the arc I hear over and over again in private conversations with senior executives. It’s not what you see on social media or in press features. But it’s what people are actually living. I know, I experienced it, too.

The details may look different. But the experience of being beaten down when you’re already carrying enormous responsibility, and then arriving home and finding nothing left of yourself? That’s not a military story. That’s a human story.

The Hardest Battle

In Afghanistan, Jenn was responsible for 800 people. Housing. Food. Safety. Everything. And at the same time, she reported to a leader who spent seven months systematically tearing her apart.

“He almost seemed like the enemy,” she told me, “and not the people who are shooting at us.”

She tried to make a game of it — putting tick marks on a whiteboard during meetings, counting down how many were left. She shielded other officers from the worst of it, becoming a kind of umbrella for younger leaders who needed guidance they weren’t getting from him. She protected everyone she could, even peers.

By the time she came home, she was completely emptied out. The glass-half-full person had nothing left. No joy. Nothing.

“I had to try to claw myself back out of that hole and try to find who I was before I left.”

She admitted she probably should have gotten help. She didn’t.

Instead — being an engineer — she started taking apart her own thoughts the way she would take apart a structural problem. And in doing so, she built something even stronger.

The 3 Voices in Your Head

Jenn started with identifying 3 different voices she heard regularly in her head:

MEAN LITTLE VOICE. This is the one who doubts you. It makes you question yourself: Can I really do this? Am I good enough? Someone else knows more, has more experience, is more likely to be successful. This is the one that keeps you small because it’s trying to keep you safe.

SNEAKY LITTLE BASTARD. This one distracts you. It finds ways to take you off your game by giving you reasons to delay, avoid, and stop staying focused on what actually matters.

THE WARRIOR. This is the voice that is clear, calm and knows the right thing to do. It’s the one that knows what you’re capable of, doesn’t think small, believes in you, and can do the work to achieve what you actually want. This is what Jenn was able to access more of through the framework she built.

The Warrior Framework: Four Steps that Changed Everything

Once she identified the voices, Jenn went back to what she knew: military rules of engagement. The same protocol she learned to identify and respond to a physical enemy. She wondered: “What if I applied this to the voices in my head?”

Here’s what emerged. She calls it Perceive, Assess, Ready, Act.

PERCEIVE. This is situational awareness — but for your inner world. What voices are actually running? Instinct? Intuition? The mean little voice? The warrior? Most of us have never stopped to notice there are multiple conversations happening inside us at once. Step one is just paying attention.

ASSESS. Friend or foe? In the military, you assess what’s coming at you before you react. Same with your inner voices. Is this voice rational? Is it genuinely protecting you — or is it just trying to keep you from feeling discomfort by keeping you stuck? Assess before you respond.

READY. This is where Jenn says most people get tripped up. You can acknowledge the mean little voice all day. But if you just stomp it down without engaging the warrior, it comes back louder. The Ready phase is about activating your internal warrior — your track record, your evidence, your accolades — so she actually has something to fight back with. “Warrior, wake up. You’re on the bench. Get off. We’re going into battle.”

ACT. One small, calculated step. Not a leap of faith. A step. In the direction of the goal, the dream, the thing you’ve been hesitating on. “A plan is great until the first shot is fired” — so don’t let the plan become an excuse not to move. Just move.

Why This Model is Different

I’ve seen a lot of inner critic frameworks. Most of them tell you to acknowledge the voice, then move on. And Jenn is clear about why that doesn’t work: if you just stomp it down, it comes back. Louder. More frequently. Harder to quiet.

The difference in her approach is that you have to understand why the voice is there in the first place. And then you have to counter it with evidence. Real, specific, written-down evidence.

This isn’t soft work. It’s backed by neuroscience. Jenn spent months reading peer-reviewed research — going three sources deep, as she was trained to do — before she built her framework.

The finding that stuck with me: when you physically write something down by hand, you engage multiple parts of your brain in a way that typing or thinking just doesn’t. Your brain actually begins to rewire.

The Practices that Actually Work

These are the specific tools Jenn shared that she used herself and now uses with clients:

• Write down one win per day. By hand. Doesn’t matter how small. Woke up on time. Closed a deal. Cooked a good dinner. After about a month, your brain starts to look for the wins instead of cataloging the losses.

• Write down your full list of accolades. All of them. Going back as far as you can remember. This is your evidence. When the mean little voice says you can’t — this list says otherwise. Read it. Internalize it. That’s your warrior right there.

• Find a Battle Buddy. Someone who knows your track record. Someone the voices can’t reach — because the voices live only inside your head. Your battle buddy sees what you can’t see in yourself yet.

• Stop focusing on failure. Start thinking about risk. Risk is a continuum — the probability of failure combined with the consequences if you do. Most of the time, when you actually do the math, the probability is lower and the consequences are smaller than the mean little voice has convinced you they are.

And when it comes to taking action: small, calculated steps. Celebrate each one. “This is my favorite part,” Jenn said.

Don’t make the plan so rigid that a missed step feels like failure. Make it flexible enough to keep moving.

On Being Fully Emptied Out

What stayed with me most from this conversation was Jenn’s willingness to describe what that dark period really felt like. She’s sunny. Bubbly. A glass-half-full person by nature. And she told us there was literally nothing left. No joy. Nothing. (If you watch the recording, you can feel it and see it in her eyes, in her tears.)

I think about the leaders I coach — and the leaders reading this right now — who might be sitting in something that looks a lot like that. Maybe not from a war zone. Maybe from a relentless boss. A job that’s slowly been hollowing you out. A season where you’ve given everything to protect everyone around you and arrived home with nothing left for yourself.

Here’s what I want you to hear from Jenn’s story: she clawed back. She didn’t just survive the experience — she turned it into a framework that now helps other people find their way back to themselves. The warrior was there the whole time. She just had to learn how to find her.

Yours is there too.

Your Turn

Jenn’s advice is rich with actions you can get started on today. Whether in you’re a dark place or feeling buoyant, there’s value in any one of the practices above. Pick one or start off by simply identifying your voices. Can you tell the difference between each?

I’d love to hear what worked for you or if you have questions about any of these in the Comments below.

Leave a comment

Stay Connected to Jenn

Jenn’s book “The Warrior Framework” comes out March 24th. Pre-order now at thewarriorframework.com and you’ll get early access to the first chapters, a free workbook, and a few other surprises. If you’re a leader who’s been fighting battles on multiple fronts and running low... this is the book I’d put in your hands.

You can also find Jenn on LinkedIn at Jenn Donahue, PhD, PE or at jendonahue.com. Ping her if you’re looking for an experienced leader to deliver a memorable and actionable keynote or workshop.

A Final Thought

I really enjoyed this conversation with Jenn. Her work mirrors much of what I’ve learned in my mindfulness practices and through the Positive Intelligence program. The idea of accessing your inner warrior or wise version of yourself was life-changing for me. If you’ve been worried that this was just woo-woo mumbo jumbo — I hope Jenn’s extensive scientific research makes you reconsider.

We all have these voices. The leaders who break through and reach their full potential and help their teams do the same are the ones who know how to access their warrior and how to quiet the rest.

Your warrior is always ready to guide you. It’s up to you to listen.

May you lead without limits,

TIMESTAMP GUIDE — Skip to What You Need

Use these to jump to the parts that matter most to you:

• 00:00 — Introduction to Jenn Donahue: engineer, Navy Commander, PhD, author

• 04:00 — How an 8-year-old’s obsession with building became a lifelong mission

• 06:30 — From Barbie Dream Houses to the longest floating bridge in Iraq

• 07:20 — The hardest part of Afghanistan: 800 people, enemy fire, and a tyrant boss

• 11:50 — What “fully emptied out” actually feels like after 7 months of being beaten down

• 14:40 — How Jenn started clawing back: applying military rules of engagement to her own mind

• 17:15 — Defining the enemies: the mean little voice, the sneaky little bastard, and the internal warrior

• 19:45 — How to amplify your warrior voice: writing wins, accolades, and rewiring your brain

• 23:10 — The battle buddy: why you need someone the voices can’t reach

• 24:50 — The Warrior Framework: Perceive, Assess, Ready, Act

• 30:35 — The neuroscience: why writing by hand actually rewires your brain

• 33:15 — Why “acknowledge and move on” frameworks don’t work — and what does

• 36:35 — Writing the book: how Jenn used the Warrior Framework to push through her own resistance

• 39:10 — Why you need a plan — and why it needs to be flexible

• 40:55 — Failure vs. setback vs. risk: Jenn’s reframe that changes everything

• 43:05 — If you’re stuck right now: the very first steps to take

• 44:45 — How to get the book, pre-order bonuses, and how to reach Jenn

Welcome to Lead without Limits, where I share weekly insights earned in the C-Suite: building businesses and teams, while creating a career worth savoring.

The end of year often feels like a mad-dash.

Between focusing on what you need to do for your team (hitting end-of-year targets, running annual reviews, and setting the strategy, goals, and budget for the next year) and your family (gift giving, travel plans, hosting, and more) there isn’t a moment to breathe.

Your calendar is intentionally overscheduled and overwhelming, trying to fit in all the pieces and still making room for magical moments.

“Agency is the capacity to act deliberately in the world.”
— Albert Bandura

In the sea of content telling you to buy more and do more, this post is the opposite. This holiday season, I want to give you permission to lead, choose, and live differently. Without apology.

The beauty of permission is that it’s yours to give.

The most ambitious, heart-led leaders are often the ones who forget their own agency the fastest. Between caring for your stakeholders (investors, customers, partners), and caring for your team, you load up your obligations faster than a child rips through Christmas present wrappings.

And yet the burden you place on yourself doesn’t have to be so heavy.

Each time I made a decision that was aligned with what I knew to be the right way forward, I didn’t just feel a weight come of my shoulders, I could feel momentum building in my energy and thinking.

When we stop doing things that are no longer feel right, and instead choose actions and paths that are in alignment with what we know would work better, that’s when we are leading with our full power.

Write yourself a permission slip that’s right for you.

Below are just a few examples of how you can gift yourself permission this holiday season. Choose one or several, whatever feels right to you. Don’t see one that works for you, write your own.

When you give yourself the permission slip(s) you need, you’ll close out the year with greater peace and enter the next year more replenished and ready to move forward.

1. Permission to slow down without falling behind

We only hear about the big wins and view the highlights reel, but almost every successful leader had a quiet season or several:

• Vera Wang: After failing to make the 1968 Olympic figure skating team and spending 15 years as a fashion editor, Wang did not enter the fashion industry as a designer until she was 40.

• Steve Jobs: Dropped out of college and spent a year traveling through India and meditating before returning to found Apple.

• Toni Morrison: She worked as an editor at Random House for years while raising two children as a single mother. She did not publish her first novel, The Bluest Eye, until she was 39, and it was not until she was 62 that she became the first African American woman to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

• Stan Lee: The Marvel visionary spent 20 years in the comic book industry mostly failing and was ready to quit at age 38 before creating the Fantastic Four.

If your body or your heart is telling you you need a break, listen. Even if you can’t leave your current post, consider scaling back, setting new boundaries, and reorienting your time. Your future self is waiting for you to make space for them to emerge.

2. Permission to redefine success

“When a path no longer serves you, it is not disloyal to leave it.”
— Unknown

I left college with everyone else’s goals and dreams in mind but my own. I knew this. And yet I still took a role doing what left me drained and empty every day.

A year and a half later, when I finally decided (and my body screamed), I needed a change. Not just a different job, but a different company, a different industry, a different role.

Throughout my career, I did that over and over again. Even when the people around me told me I was making a mistake, choosing the wrong path, or leaving money on the table.

It’s your life. It’s your career. Do what feels right for you.
Don’t stay on a path just because it’s the one you’re on. No one else will have to look back on your life and wonder “what if?”

When you reflect on your decisions 20 years, 30 years, or even 40 years from now, how will you feel? Did you take the risks worth taking? Did you aim too low? Did you lead and live to your full potential?

The only person whose answers matter is you.
Pause this end of year and ask yourself, what does success mean to me now?

3. Permission to design an organization, role, or leadership style that fits you

Some leaders seem to have a job designed perfectly for them:
The responsibilities play to their strengths.
The schedule fits their routines.
The requirements fit into their life.

Their secret?
They designed it that way.
And you can, too.

Too many leaders create unnecessary restrictions around how they lead and run an organization. They assume that where they started, what they inherited, or their old habits must remain constant, as if they are calcified.

Some organizations are indeed difficult to change, and for sure, habits can take time, but too often the limitations you create in your head aren’t based in fact. They are based on fear.

What if this holiday season, you stopped listening to your fear and started listening to the vision you have for what you want?

Dream up the ideal role, organization, leadership style that you want to embody. Don’t hold back, don’t think small. Write it all down. You might be surprised how even putting it on paper will help you find ways to make it possible.

4. Permission to speak up — even when it feels inconvenient or uncomfortable

Even if you’ve been leading for years or decades, there are likely some topics, people, or situations that have you clamming up.

But when you shut down, you are doing yourself and your team a disservice:

• You’re giving in to your fear and letting it shrink you

• The people around you are deprived of your wisdom

• Issues that need addressing get pushed aside, delaying outcomes and creating risk

• You’re building a habit in your mind that self-reinforces and hurts you and your organization

Speaking up isn’t just for you. When you do so, especially when it doesn’t come easy, you’re modeling to the people around you that they can do the same.

Everyone benefits when there is a free-flowing exchange of ideas. Help yourself and your team build that type of culture by leading the way.

5. Permission to want more and less at the same time

As someone who is curious about everything and loves to support everyone, I often set annual intentions to do less. And yet, if I’m honest, I often still want more.

If this sounds like you, too, what if you didn’t have to choose? What if you can have both?

I just finished reading Amanda Goetz’s book Toxic Grit: How to Have It All and (Actually) Love What You Have. She shares her methodology called Character Theory. It’s a practical set of steps to make the statement, “you can have it all, just not all at once” possible. (I highly recommend it — it’s a great holiday gift!)

Even if you don’t have time to read Amanda’s book. You can take the most important concept and give yourself permission to want it all. You simply have to set seasons and moments for each element.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to cram everything in all at once. Pace yourself, and you might be surprised at what is possible, even in one year.

Subscribe now

Reflection questions to help you gift yourself the permission you need.

If you want more food for thought to help you choose the right permission slip(s), start with these reflection questions. They will give you insight into what matters most for you right now:

• What belief about success once protected you — but may now be limiting you?

• Who are three people you’d love to meet, even if it feels unrealistic today?

• What skill, if developed, would fundamentally change how you lead?

• What skill or habit once served you — but now quietly costs you?

• Where are you asking for permission from others instead of granting it to yourself?

What you need most is within.

As I reflect on what permission I need, I feel a pull to slow down next year. To hone my craft(s) and become more easeful in all that I do. It’s so easy to get swept up by the dopamine hits that come from social media and even hitting my goals.

But I know that even as I celebrate all the progress from this past year, I can make next year that much more rewarding and fun if I can strengthen my approach, smooth my process, and be patient as I hone my how.

I wish you a beautiful holiday season filled to the brim (if you want it to be) or quiet and peaceful (if that’s what feels right).

Thank you for being here, with me, on this journey to lead without limits.

We all have one: a colleague who triggers us—and the more senior you become, the higher the stakes when these relationships go sideways.
(Some of us have more than one.)

It might be what they say or how they say it. Or when they choose to act (or not act). Or it might not be clear at all what about them makes us go a bit haywire, and that brings with it its own frustrations.

What is clear is that we get wound up, distracted, and drained when we interact with them.

Is having irritating colleagues a necessary evil of work? Do we just have to accept it and soldier on?

Besides the obvious option of leaving our jobs, what else can we do?

Well, it turns out, quite a lot.

Option 1. Assume positive intent.

It’s possible this person is out to get you and is targeting you with particularly vitriolic behavior.

But usually, it’s far more innocuous.

The cause of most conflict is differences: People think differently, communicate differently, and work differently.

It’s no surprise there will be clashes at times. Yet, most people, most of the time, are trying to do a good job and don’t want to cause distress to others in the process.

At the senior level, misattributing intent doesn’t just drain you—it can derail cross-functional initiatives and damage your reputation as a collaborative leader.

When you assume that the other person isn’t trying to do you harm, you are far more likely to engage with them in a productive way vs. trying to exact revenge or retaliate.

Option 2. Consider if the opposite might be true.

Have you ever had any of the following scenarios play out in your leadership team?

• The CFO is challenging your strategic investment —> You assume they don’t trust your judgment.

• Your peer is questioning your approach in leadership meetings —> You assume they’re undermining you.

• Another division head is slow-walking approvals on your initiative —> You assume they’re being territorial.

When you flip around your assumptions, you may end up with an entirely different response:

• The CFO is challenging your strategic investment —> What if they’re stress-testing it to help you defend it to the board?

• Your peer is questioning your approach in leadership meetings —> What if they’re trying to surface blind spots before the CEO does?

• Another division head is slow-walking approvals on your initiative —> What if they’re managing constraints or competing priorities you don’t see?

This is another way to assume positive intent. And it’s a reminder that our fear and anger are not great guides.

Try it out:

1. Replace the function with a person’s name and name the action they do that triggers you.

2. Write down what you assume negatively.

3. Then flip it to the opposite. Write down an alternative positive assumption.

4. How does the positive version change your perspective?

Option 3. Address your concerns head-on.

Stop making assumptions about what your irritating colleague is trying to do. If you are easily irritated by them or fearful of their intentions, the only way to resolve this is to talk with them.

9 times out of 10, you’ll discover that your concerns are unfounded and you’ll both walk away feeling better. And you’ll save yourself weeks of mental energy spent on resentment and second-guessing.

Some ways to make sure you’re successful:

• Don’t wait too long. Time has a way of making things seem worse.

• Start with why you are approaching them. For example: because you have common goals, because you care about your working relationship, or because you respect them.

• Be specific. A narrow scope makes it more digestible and keeps the conversation from meandering.

• Focus on what you need. You’re not seeking retribution. You’re trying to make sure you both can win. Offer ideas and solicit their help in finding a solution, if one is needed.

• Don’t rush the conversation. When we rush, things come out wrong, and we are less present. Make sure you both have enough time. (I usually recommend at least 30 minutes when you’re new to this.)

It’s amazing what can be resolved when we just talk things out and stop assuming what the other person is thinking.

Option 4. Co-design your working alliance.

Usually, if one person is irritated, the other person is, too.

If you decide to go with Option 3, a great follow-up is to come up with some executive-level protocols that you both can follow to improve your working relationship.

Here are some examples:

• If one of you prefers advance notice for major requests, develop a process for how to give each other adequate runway, and if urgent situations arise, how to minimize the friction. Maybe it’s the format, the framing, or the channel that can make the difference.

• Perhaps one of you gets bent out of shape when asked certain questions in a public forum. Maybe there is a code word or phrasing the other person can use to make these questions feel more collaborative than confrontational.

• Maybe one of you doesn’t appreciate discussions about your function when you’re not in the room. Agree on what happens if this takes place and how you both can handle it well.

When you create an operating habit that is designed to serve both of you, you’re not just making it easier to work together well; you’re building trust.

And trust (or lack thereof) is actually the root of most of these work relationship challenges.

Your Turn

The great news is that you don’t have to suffer with the stress of a difficult colleague. You can do something about it. The options above won’t solve every issue, but they will solve most issues, most of the time.

The best part? These are all actions you can take — today. You don’t need approvals or additional bureaucracy to get started.

I’d love to hear from you about what’s worked for you. How have you navigated a colleague relationship that was more pain than gain? Share them in the Comments.

Leave a comment

And if this post resonated, please give it a ❤️ so that more people can suffer less at work and benefit even more from one of the best parts of any great job… the relationships that amplify your impact.

Want more from me?

SAVE THE DATE: Monday, December 8th at 1pm ET for a conversation with Maia Molina-Schaefer from Amplify Her Foundation and a 20+ year military veteran. We’ll be talking about Multiple Arenas, One Mission, and her incredible career journey. (Join here)

If you missed my conversation yesterday with Dan Van Tran, don’t worry, I’ll be sharing it in next week’s post. You can catch up on all of my Substack Lives here.

And there are still a few spots left for 1:1 coaching with me in Q1 2026. I’ve also just recently opened up a limited set of corporate group coaching and facilitation workshops. If you’re interested in either, book a 15 min free strategy call.

May you lead without limits,

Join me for Substack Live today, Tuesday, November 18th at 11am ET with Paul Sweeney of Sense Labs. We’re talking about Dysfunction at Work: Is It The People Or The System? You’ll walk away with leadership insights that will challenge conventional wisdom & common assumptions. Link to Join.

Catching up on previous Substack Lives? See them here.

If you’re a reliable, responsible leader who delivers again and again, you’ve likely hit this wall: you want to grow, but you can’t find the space for it.

The default answer?
Do more. Work harder. Be more efficient.

But that’s the wrong question.

Growth doesn’t come from doing more.

It comes from knowing what matters most and aligning your intentions with your actions. And here’s what I see every week with senior leaders: they sabotage their own development.

Not because they don’t know better, but because their fears won’t let them make space for it.

Here’s the truth most leadership advice won’t tell you: If you want to grow, you need to do less. Not more.

When you’re learning something new, it takes time to understand, practice, make mistakes, and try again. It often takes more time than you estimate.

And if you’re tackling something that scares you — leading differently, delegating control, having harder conversations — you need even more time. The emotional and physical energy it takes to source courage is taxing and requires recovery.

This means freeing up your calendar.
Creating white space.
Saying no to things that once defined your value.

And that’s where the real block shows up.

The fear isn’t about time management.

It’s about what saying “no” says about you.

I know because I’ve heard these arguments from my clients (and from my own inner voice):

• “I need to do more to achieve more. My worthiness depends on how much I deliver.” (Hyper-achiever)

• “I need to be on top of everything. When I’m not, things go wrong and I get blamed.” (Hyper-vigilant)

• “People respect me because I’m responsive and helpful. If I pull back, I’ll disappoint them.” (People pleaser)

• “I need to be involved in the details or my team might not get it right.” (Controller)

• “I can’t control who pulls me into projects. They add me to meetings and I have to go.” (Victim)

These aren’t strategic choices. They’re saboteurs: voices that developed when you were young to protect you from fear of abandonment, failure, and not belonging.

They worked then. But they’re blocking you now.

Until you learn to catch these voices and shift to a different mindset, you’ll keep running the same patterns. You’ll keep saying you want to grow while filling every hour of your calendar.

Let me show you what it looks like when you break the pattern.

The Monday Morning That Changes Everything

Picture this: You wake up Monday morning, pour your coffee, and open your calendar.

Ten meetings. Back to back. No breaks. Two of them overlapping.

Immediately, the voices start:

“You should have caught this earlier.” (Judge)

“Everyone needs you. You can’t let them down.” (People pleaser)

“No one gives me any time to do my actual work.” (Victim)

“I can’t say anything now. It’ll disrupt initiatives already in process.” (Avoider)

Here’s what most leaders do: They white-knuckle through the day. They skip lunch. They stay late to catch up. They tell themselves next week will be better.

Here’s what leaders who’ve learned to master their mind do differently:

They take a few deep breaths. They notice those voices are coming from their saboteurs, not from reality.

They congratulate themselves for catching it. That awareness is the entire game.

Then they ask: What will be the most helpful next step?

They can’t change the past, but they can change what happens next. So they assess: Where am I actually needed? Where can I delegate, delete, or delay?

They message key people. They make the changes. They regain time on their calendar.

And they use that time to prioritize what matters most.

Starting with the deep breaths, that’s where the magic begins.

Most leaders never pause. They might feel the tension and the fear momentarily, but they are so caught up in their habits, they are are on autopilot. Nothing changes.

Learning how to be conscious of your thoughts and knowing that you can pause them is what separates wanting to grow from actually having the capacity to do it.

What Makes the Shift Possible

For years, I practiced meditation but couldn’t connect it to decisive action in high-stakes moments. I’d sit quietly in the morning, then spend my day running the same reactive patterns.

Then I trained in Positive Intelligence, a neuroscience-based approach to mastering your mind. It gave me—and now my clients—a repeatable process for catching saboteurs in real time and choosing differently.

It’s rooted in mindfulness, but it’s built for leaders who need to perform under pressure. You learn to recognize your specific saboteur patterns, understand where they came from, and practice shifting to what PQ calls your “Sage” mindset. This is the part of you that’s calm, clear, and creative even when the stakes are high.

The research behind it is solid: Stanford professor Shirzad Chamine found that we all developed inner saboteurs in childhood as a way to protect ourselves from our deepest fears—abandonment, failure, not belonging, missing out. These patterns were adaptive then. They’re limiting now.

But here’s what matters more than the research: I’ve watched VP and C-level leaders use this framework to:

• Reduce their working hours while actually increasing their impact

• Set boundaries without guilt or fear of being seen as difficult

• Delegate real responsibility instead of just tasks

• Show up to hard conversations with clarity instead of defensiveness

• Make time for strategic thinking instead of just reacting all day

They don’t become different people. They become more of who they already are… without the saboteurs running the show.

Why This Matters for Your Leadership Now

You probably already know what you should be doing:

Spending less time in the weeds and more time on strategy. Developing your team instead of doing their work. Protecting your calendar. Focusing on the three initiatives that will actually move the business forward.

Knowing isn’t the problem. Doing it consistently is.

Because every time you try, your saboteurs show up with convincing arguments:

• “But what if they mess it up?” (Controller)

• “I can do it faster myself.” (Hyper-achiever)

• “They’ll think I’m not a team player.” (People pleaser)

• “I need to stay visible or I’ll be forgotten.” (Hyper-vigilant)

These voices sound like wisdom. They feel like protection. But they’re keeping you from the leader you’re capable of becoming.

The leaders who break through? They don’t ignore these voices or try to think their way past them. They learn to catch them, name them, and choose a different response in the moment it matters.

That’s the skill that changes everything.

Don’t be a leader with great intentions but who never makes progress.

The leaders I work with aren’t stuck because they lack ambition or intelligence. They’re stuck because no one taught them how to master their mind so they could take back control of their calendar.

They’re tired of:

• Saying yes when they mean no

• Leading from urgency instead of intention

• Knowing what they should do but not being able to follow through

And they’re ready to lead differently—with clarity, boundaries, and the capacity to keep growing.

I’m opening a small pilot coaching cohort in early 2026 for senior executives (VP to C-level) who are done running on fumes and ready to create sustainable high performance.

This isn’t another time management course. It’s a 12-week intensive where you’ll learn to:

• Catch your saboteurs in real time

• Shift from reactive to intentional leadership

• Reclaim your calendar so you can focus on what actually moves the needle

• Build the muscle of saying no without guilt or fear

The program is rooted in Positive Intelligence, a neuroscience-based approach I use with all my 1:1 clients. It works because it doesn’t just give you strategies—it rewires how you think under pressure.

Spots are limited to 12 leaders. I want to design this cohort around what you actually need, so I’m asking you to fill out this 2-minute survey if you’re interested.

Tell me what’s blocking you. Tell me what you’re ready to change. Let’s build this together.

If this post resonated, give it a ❤️ so more leaders can find it. And share it with someone who’s ready to grow but isn’t giving themselves the space to do so.

May you lead without limits,

P.S. Catching up on previous Substack Lives? See them here.
Don’t miss today’s Substack Live at 11am ET with Paul Sweeney—we’re talking about Dysfunction at Work: Is It The People Or The System? Link to Join.

You’ve had that voice in your head, haven’t you?

“Am I behind?”

“Is this even the right path?”

“Why does everyone else seem more… certain?”

Maybe your boss mentioned a coach. Or a colleague raves about theirs. You’ve thought about it. Briefly.

But isn’t coaching for people in crisis?
You’re not in crisis. You’re just… tired. Frustrated. Ready for more, even if you’re not sure what “more” means yet.

So, when do you know it’s time?

Signs you need a coach.

The first time I engaged a coach for myself, I was struggling with a number of challenges at work:

I felt stuck.
I knew I wasn’t in the right place, but I couldn’t figure out where I wanted to go.

I was triggered often.
One colleague in particular, I swear they had a PhD in pushing my buttons.
I’d get defensive. I’d shut down. Then I’d spend the rest of the day replaying it in my head, wondering what was wrong with me.

I felt intense imposter syndrome.
My ruminations distracted me from critical executive team conversations. Instead of focusing on how to help grow the business, I was consumed by whether I said the right or wrong thing.

The group training programs HR had engaged were excellent, but they weren’t addressing my challenges.

At the recommendation of a friend, I joined one of Peter Bregman’s retreats. It was a 4-day intensive filled with deep introspection and lots of physical activity.

The most surprising part: the exercises that broke apart what I thought was holding me together, but was really holding me back.

I came away feeling like I was cracked open with light pouring out of me. I felt clear about what needed to change at work and in my career.

It led me to a major career move a year later.

If you’re wondering if the time is right for you to get a coach, here are some of the inner signs to look for:

• You’re spinning. Same thoughts, same problems, no momentum.

• You’re not lost, but you’re definitely not found.

• Your inner critic has the mic — and they are loud.

And here are some of the outer signs:

• Friends keep sending you podcasts, books, tools. You’re overwhelmed, not inspired.

• Your boss keeps repeating the same feedback — and you’re still not sure how to fix it.

• You see your peers growing, taking risks, getting promoted… and wonder why you’re stuck.

If these sound like the thoughts swirling in your head, it’s time to start to get serious about a coach.

The rewards of working with the right coach (for you) are immeasurable.

Coaching accelerates clarity and action when other methods stall.

The right coach for you will not only understand your challenges. They will mirror them back to you with such precision and speed, it’s as if they are in your head.

Having your thoughts pulled out of your head and set out for open examination may feel scary, but the right coach will do this in a way that feels safe and productive.

In fact, you should walk away from each session with at least one “Ah-Ha” moment. It might be something you already knew, but your coach helped you view it in a new light or with a different takeaway.

Truly skilled coaches know how to draw forth your inner wisdom and marry that with an insight or an approach that adds to your toolkit.

In the beginning, you might start to hear their voice in your head as you navigate your daily decisions and challenges. But over time, you’ll integrate what works in their approach into your own voice and judgement.

When you start to coach yourself, that’s when you know that the coaching work has fully landed.

Plan to invest more than money.

Coaches can be expensive, especially executive coaches. But the cost in money isn’t actually your biggest investment.

The time and your willingness to be vulnerable are the bigger investments.

When deadlines are looming, your inbox is overflowing, and your team is sending a barrage of Slack messages, will you have the discipline to close the door and focus on your coaching call?

When you are feeling down, exposed, and confused, will you be willing to bare all of that to your coach?

Coaching is not for the faint of heart.

“Growth and comfort do not coexist.” — Ginni Rometty

For all the money you or your company are spending, the real expense will come from your ego. If you are ready to pay the price, the rewards can be life changing.

What are you waiting for?

Coaching isn’t magic. But it can feel magical when it’s working.

It’s the clarity you didn’t know you needed. The permission you never gave yourself. The voice that slowly becomes your own.

So if you’re asking whether it’s time…

It probably is.

Start here. Start now.

Invest in your future self today.

Thank you for joining me this week.

If you found this post helpful, share it with a friend who might need a nudge to invest in their growth.

Share

Give it a ❤️ so that more people can find it on Substack.

And if you feel it’s time to find a coach, but aren’t sure how to find the right one, come back next week, where I’ll give you my blueprint for how to find the right coach for you.

May you lead without limits,

I swayed a little in my seat, comforted by the gentle hum of the computer and the satisfying click of my keyboard.

Everyone had left for the night.

It was 9pm on a Wednesday and I was plugging away at a spreadsheet that mapped out my department’s future growth plans on the 6th floor of 30 Rock.

I was newly engaged, recently promoted, and on a high from my job helping to digitize NBC’s TV stations group.

I was in career heaven.

That perfect zone where you are fully engaged by the challenges in front of you and not daunted. You have enough wind in your sails to bolster you, but you don’t feel like you are being forced off a cliff you aren’t ready to jump.

Every day felt like a new opportunity to make an impact, to learn, and to grow. It was the summer of 2009, and there were plenty of reasons to worry on a macroeconomic level, but in my little digital media cocoon, life was good.

Back then I thought this state was my peak. But I’ve since discovered something even better.

You know that moment when time disappears?

You’re so in the zone it feels otherworldly?

It’s not a fluke. Psychologists call it "flow."

Mihaly Robert Csikszentmihalyi is the Hungarian-American psychologist who coined the term “flow state” in his seminal book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience.

In it, he describes the experience of timelessness that occurs when you engage in an activity that strikes the perfect balance of difficulty, enjoyment, and purpose.

If it’s too hard, you will struggle too much. If it’s too easy, you’ll get bored.

If it’s not enough fun or doesn’t have enough purpose, you’ll lose interest.

Importantly, those who achieve a sense of flow are not extrinsically motivated. This is not about pleasing your boss, your partner, or someone else. It’s about focusing on something that matters to you.

Even though I was at work, delivering something for my boss and my team, I was in flow because I wasn’t doing it for them.

I was working late because I took pride in what I was doing, and I was enjoying the work itself.

I had been at NBC for over two years and was hitting my stride. There was so much for me to learn, but I was no longer a media newbie. I had survived the rigorous financial planning cycles, knew the most relevant people and political dynamics, and my team and I had gelled.

I had found the perfect balance of challenge to skill, and of internal motivation and a sense of purpose.

Achieving a flow state isn’t just pleasurable; it drives performance.

Being in flow was not a concept I learned about early in life. In fact, I grew up within the “no pain, no gain” school of thought.

In my family, if you weren’t working hard and feeling the hurt, you weren’t going to make progress. The amount of effort you exerted supposedly determined the amount of success you’d experience.

Success was essential, so I pushed myself hard. At academics and at landing my first few jobs. There were times where I felt a sense of flow, but those are few and far between because I was forcing my efforts.

Force is the opposite of flow.

When you are in flow, the work you are doing feels easeful and well-matched to your skill level. When you are in a flow state, it’s easier for you to practice and hone your ability because repetition feels like a gift and not like a punishment.

The ability to sustain your practice will determine how excellent you can become. When you find an area of work or craft that is a match for your skills and interests, it’s easier to achieve flow and therefore, easier to sustain your efforts.

For me, the type of work in my career that generated the most flow was leading and collaborating with others. The interplay of ideas, the calibration of talents, and the collective achievement of goals all gave me a thrill, and for the most part, felt effortless.

I discovered these elements early in my career, and I was fortunate enough to receive opportunity after opportunity to build and lead teams through rapid change. Each opportunity was a chance to enjoy flow and to further hone my leadership skills.

But as time progressed, I started to experience the friction between people work and my own tendencies.

My desire to people-please, my fear of hurting others, and my wish for camaraderie and peaceful interactions created more stress than was helpful at times, disrupting any chance of flow.

It might have been the conditions of the company, the world (pandemic, volatile economic cycles), or my family (sleep challenges), but in recent years, I found flow much harder to achieve, and unsurprisingly, my performance as a leader took a hit as well.

What is beyond flow? Flight!

Sometimes, when old routines and structures are not working, you need to step away and try something completely different. Last year, as I stepped away from my corporate career, I restarted my journey as an oil painter after a 35-year hiatus.

I expected it to be a challenge to return to something that I hadn’t done for a long time. I was insecure and nervous.

I had no idea that within 3-4 classes, I would not only become reconnected with my flow state, I would discover a next level beyond flow—flight.

After the initial 15 minutes it takes me to set up my easel, my brushes, and my paint, I pause to consider the canvas and my subject matter. In these moments, I am not in flow.

Until I start, I am stuck in worry and fear.

But the minute I started to push the brush across the canvas, sweeping the paint in shapes and lines, conveying the gesture of my subject, everything shifted.

I not only lose myself, I am free of whatever limited me.

I am more confident. I can take bolder risks, try different strategies, and make mistakes. It is as if the world would not just welcome my efforts, but would be excited to see me experiment and be forgiving of my misses.

In a room of other students also in the pursuit of skillful painting, I am more connected with the world and the people in it. I feel their energy, their desire to also capture the essence of what they are living and seeing.

I am no longer alone in my journey. Even if I struggle, I am part of a larger whole, and I feel equipped to face what challenges might come.

At first, I didn’t know how to describe it. Similar to flow, I lose all track of time: 5 hours just disappear. I also felt a sense of accomplishment and joy every time.

But there was more.

A feeling of weightlessness, of soaring through space and time. I am not only the person painting, I am also the energy around me, that channels through me to the painting.

It is ephemeral, and whenever I pause, it’s like I’m awakening from a dream. But as soon as I start to paint again, I feel the wave of energy and buoyancy.

I’m not a religious person, but when I am in flight, the experience is spiritual.

Compared with many moments in my career, I can now easily distinguish between moments of fear, flow, or flight.

When I feel fear, I cannot see any options. The world was closing in on me. There is nothing I can do to make it right. All is dark, and I can see no way out, only more darkness.

When I am in flow, I am freer, more energized, and more fulfilled. I feel relaxed and leave every day feeling satisfied that I have done my best and that it was more than enough.

When I am in flight, I feel completely untethered and able to shine my brightest. I exist as part of a larger community that I feel deep connection to. I have endless energy and insight that I want to share with others to support them and their journey.

Being in flight means living and leading without limits — in energy, creativity, and possibility.

I am now deeply committed to creating the conditions for flow and flight as often as possible.

What does it mean to regularly be in flow and flight?

You wake up feeling more optimistic and ready to face what comes.

You know that whatever happens, you’ll be able to achieve this sense of soaring.

You feel more trust that things will turn out OK.

You’re living less in a fear state and more in a state of wonder and awe.

You’re more willing to test out new theories and ideas.

You’re able to bounce back faster from defeat and stumbles.

In short, you are living and leading from a place of abundance and positivity.

Ways to find your flow, and then flight?

So if you’re feeling the need to find your flow... maybe it’s time to stop pushing.

Maybe it’s time to fly.

• Try new things that tap into different parts of you — mind, heart, body. I never thought I was an athlete, but at 24, I trained with my company for a 5K and have forever developed a love for a slow, 20-30 min jog. The same is true for me with meditation. If you don’t try it, you’ll never know.

• Reflect on how you feel — before, during and after. Use a journal to track how you feel. What helps you feel more free or less weighed down? What makes you feel more energized or more drained? Over time, you might find patterns and then you can make adjustments to double down on what feels good.

• Give it enough time. Whenever trying something new, don’t give up too quickly. Jogging took me at least 6 months to get situated and likely a year to feel confident enough to run in races. I’ve been writing online for 10 months and I still struggle. Ray Dalio says it takes you 18 months to truly ingrain a habit. I think it’s different for everyone. Don’t give up too quickly.

• Allow for changes based on seasons, life priorities, and health. What worked for you in your 20s might not work in your 40s and so on. Don’t judge yourself for needing a change. See it as an opportunity!

What helps you get into a state of flow or flight?

I’d love to hear your tips and reflections on what helps you get into a state of flow or even flight.

Share them in the comments below or reply to my email, and just send them to me. I read and respond to every message.

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May you lead without limits,

As someone who rarely acknowledged her fear for most of my life, I would use work and overwork as a way to push past it.

The result? A ton of illnesses and hospital stays.

But my body was so strong, I was able to remain stubbornly ignorant for decades. I was also blessed with a relentless drive to achieve and delighted in overcoming new work challenges. Perhaps it was a bug, but I treated it as a feature.

Fast forward to about 10 years ago when my son started having sleep challenges. For the first time in my career, I struggled deeply.

The combination of a demanding start-up C-level role, navigating my family’s needs, and lack of sleep took its toll.

I couldn’t work my way out of this one. In fact, I struggled to work at all. My executive functions were all haywire. I had issues prioritizing, being decisive, and a growing sense of dread every time I thought about work. It felt like I was making mistakes left and right.

Throughout my career, I was known for my mix of confidence and openness. Now I lacked both. I sought approval from everyone all the time and got defensive whenever someone shared their input. Some days, I felt like I was running through a gauntlet where I could be taken down at every turn. Other days, I felt like an injured animal crouching in a dark cave, scared to venture out, and not quite making sense of the world around me.

Years of work in mindfulness, therapy, and coaching helped me to break free.

I was fortunate to have a supportive boss and colleagues who empathized with my struggle and stepped in to help me in a variety of ways. But in the end, the only way to navigate this difficult period successfully was to arm myself with new tools and practices.

What had worked for me in the past was not going to work going forward. I needed to find new ways to cope and thrive.

It took me over 6 years to make significant progress. It helped that my son’s sleep challenges eventually improved.

I created this mini guide as a digest of the learnings I found most useful. Perhaps it will be a reference you can use today or sometime in the future when you are struggling with fear and feeling constrained. It might also be something you can share with others in your life — at work or at home — who might also be navigating a difficult period.

Use this guide to help you (a) identify when you are starting to feel fear that is not helpful, and (b) the simple ways you can shift yourself away from fear to a more relaxed, confident, and open state.

A little more about fear before we get started.

When we are in fear, and we often are, we access our primal and evolutionary capability of fight or flight. Our nervous system releases cortisol and adrenaline, our breathing becomes shallow, parts of our body tense up, our digestion slows, and we become hyper-focused. This response was designed long ago to keep us safe.

Fortunately, most of the dangers of times past (lions, tigers, bears), don’t pose a danger to most people today. Yet our mind and our bodies continue to use this deep wiring when we perceive we are at risk in some way. This can lead us to patterns of thinking and behaviors that bring us away from what we want.

The good news is that there are ways to break away from these patterns. There are several ways to rewire our responses to fear that is not caused by a life-threatening situation, so that you can be more relaxed, open, and creative, states that will help you engage more effectively at work and in life.

Core Principles Behind the Shifts

When we are in fight or flight mode, we become laser-focused on our perceived fear and often lose sight of the broader context. In short, we become less present.

These shifts help us return to a state of presence by using our various senses to help us take in the broader context. This will relax our fear response and give our brain a chance to refocus on what is truly important vs. what our fear is telling us is important.

Identifying When You are Feeling Fear

Before you can begin to shift when you are in fear, you first need to identify the signs of fear that is not helpful. Imagine a situation at work or at home where you are triggered and feel fear.

• What starts you feeling the fear?

  • Is it a thought you have?

  • Is it something someone says or does?

  • Is there a context change around you?

• Where do you feel it in your body?

  • What happens to how you position your body?

  • How are you sitting or standing when you feel it?

• What do you see, hear, taste or touch?

Imagine a few scenarios and reflect upon what you experience. This will help you identify when you feel fear. Take a minute to jot down each scenario and what you experience.

Now go through each of the scenarios you envisioned and mark down which ones are ones where your fear is not helping you. These are the ones we will work on rewiring our response to. Going forward, we’ll look for these experience signals as indications you will want to make a shift.

7 Ways to Shift from Fear to Freedom Guide

When you identify a situation where you are feeling fear that is not helpful, you have several options to help you shift from a fearful, constrained state. Below are some of the ones I have found the most effective and easy to draw upon in a personal or professional setting.

Choose any of the options below and do them for as little as 10 seconds or as long as you have time for (2-5 minutes can be a good starting point) to start to shift.

Don’t be surprised if the fear is still there or comes back. Your wiring is deep. Use these shifts again and again – and give yourself time. Sometimes, your fear will last for days or even weeks. That is OK. It will eventually pass.

Also, don’t be worried if it takes you time to identify your fears or find shifts that work best for you. It took me years to find the ones that work best for me under different circumstances, and I still practice these models regularly. I also find myself struggling at times when I’m faced with new contexts and challenges — that’s normal. Even the Dalai Lama talks about his struggles and he is a master practioner.

You’ll know it’s starting to work for you when you feel more relaxed after you identify the fear, knowing that you aren’t trapped, but have many options to shift and that even if it takes time, you have tools at your disposal.

1. Breathe

More oxygen into our brains activates our “thinking brain” (the parasympathetic nervous system) and helps calm us.

1. Slow intentional, inhales & exhales: You can do this 3 times for 1 minute or set a timer for 5 min

2. Box Method: 4 seconds in, 4 seconds hold, 4 seconds out, 4 seconds hold

3. Modified Lion’s Breath: In through your nose, open your jaw wide and say “Ha” as you exhale. You can do this as many times as you like. I prefer 3-4 times.

2. Touch

When you shift your focus, you give your brain a chance to recalibrate away from your fear.

1. Your fingertips and hands: Rub two fingertips together slowly enough where you can feel the ridges in your skin. Then gently and slowly glide your fingertips of one hand up and down the palm of the other hand and then do the same with the other hand.

2. Your seat, feet: Feel the support of the chair, cushion, floor beneath you. The temperature, material, hardness or softness.

3. An object near you: Feel the texture, the temperature, the shape.

3. Move

When we move our bodies, we can increase our endorphins, the “feel good” neurotransmitters.

1. Smaller Space

   1. Stretch: Your arms, neck, wrists, and core twist, which you can do on your chair.

   2. Jump: Jumping jacks (or step jacks) or on one foot for 10 seconds

   3. Dance: Pick a tune or just dance in silence.

   4. Pushups: Do them on your knees or feet. Focus on form and breathing. 3-5 or more if you feel up for it.

   5. Plank: Try to hold for 20 sec, on your forearms or hands.

   6. Downward Dog or Child’s Pose: Hold for 10-20 sec.

2. Larger space

   1. Walk: Take a 5-10 minute walk inside or outside.

   2. Run: Take a quick 2-5 jog.

4. Listen

When you listen, you are more present to what is happening around you. This shifts your brain’s focus away from fear.

1. What is the closest sound you can hear? Listen for 10 seconds.

2. What is the furthest sound you can hear? Listen for 10 seconds.

3. Music: Choose something that uplifts you or relaxes you.

5. Look and observe

1. Look at an object near you.

2. Observe its shape, colors, shadows, highlights. See how the color and shading change throughout the object.

6. Taste

We often eat and drink without observing how the food or drink tastes and feels. Pausing to do so calms our nervous system and enjoy the experience more.

1. Get yourself a cold or hot cup of water. It can be tea or something fizzy.

2. Taste the flavor, how it moves in your mouth, how it feels when you swallow, and how it feels in your belly.

7. Play

Our brains relax when we perceive that the stakes are low and the goal is simply to have fun.

1. Choose something you find easy and fun: a puzzle, solitaire, doodling, playing an instrument.

You cannot control when fear grips you, but you can control for how long.

I shared the 7 strategies above because I have found that at different moments, I gravitate to different approaches.

Fear doesn’t take one shape or form and it isn’t triggered by one particular person or condition. It can morph over time, so you will want to morph your approach as well.

I still get triggered by certain types of behaviors or conditions — someone getting loud and angry, or when I’m tired and hungry, I can be more susceptible to negative thoughts. If I am confronted with an aggressive driver or an inconsiderate comment, I can start to feel the bindings of fear start to entwine around me.

What’s different today is that I can identify these feelings sooner, and choose to pause and use one of the strategies above. The result? Sometimes I catch fear so early I don’t even feel it’s effects and other times, I simply don’t have to dwell in them. I am able to access my full executive function because I haven’t let my fear block me.

I see this with my clients as well. One will now stop herself from spiraling into negative thoughts if her boss asks what she used to perceive as a challenging question. Instead, she gets curious and asks for clarification or simply schedules a meeting where they can have a helpful discussion.

Another client has stopped undervaluing herself when she feels that something didn’t go as well as she planned. She can now shift her thinking and choose a more strategic response, and as a result, her team feels more inspired and motivated.

I’ve now seen this positive impact on so many people. I hope you can try some of these out and let me know if it works for you.

I’d love to hear from you.

What is a strategy that has helped you when you are feeling constrained? How has it helped you access your executive function or simply relate more positively to people around you? Share in the comments below.

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Birthdays elicit so many feelings — celebration, remorse, excitement, anger, joy, embarrassment, and anxiety — to name a few. As we get older, aches, wrinkles, diminishing cognition, and other reminders of what was take up more space as the “special” day approaches.

But dwelling on what you no longer have is a futile exercise. It’s honestly just a waste of time.

It’s far more effective to feel gratitude for what you still possess and where you want to focus them to have the greatest impact in the future.

This week is my birthday week. As someone who doesn’t ask for or receive physical gifts anymore, this year I decided to try this new way of reflecting on how to make the most of the gifts I’ve already received.

The most valuable gifts you’ve been given aren’t what you think.

It isn’t my diamond engagement ring or my parent’s paying for my college tuition. I deeply cherish those gifts, but they aren’t the most precious gifts I’ve received.

The gifts I treasure the most deeply are those that are harder to wrap and deliver:

• My personality traits such as optimism, tenacity, creativity, curiosity, and a desire to serve have given me the ability to navigate incredibly challenging and complex moments in work and in life. Changing sectors 5 times, becoming CEO when I was 33, launching multiple businesses, and going through months of fertility treatments and 18 months of nausea to birth my two lovely children — none of that would have been possible without these traits.

• My health, mental and physical, are battle-worn through the pummeling I gave them in my younger years and early years of child rearing. I did terrible job of exercising, eating well, and caring for my health. You don’t get shingles at 27 from doing right by your body! But I’m so fortunate that my body has been resilient, that my mind has been open to new habits, and my heart has been forgiving.

• My family, chosen and born into, are an incredible motley crew of gifted people who are kindhearted and fearless. On my father’s side, they are blessed with astounding intellect. On my mother’s side, they are equally talented and fiercely committed to our bond regardless of time, distance, or interests. My husband and his family are incredibly generous, creative, and open-minded with impeccable taste. And our nanny, without whom no one in my family would be functional, was a gift from the heavens that I still can’t quite fathom. I’m blessed to have had all of these people to learn from throughout my life.

Some of these gifts are easier to identify than others. When in doubt or feeling lost, ask friends, family members, and co-workers for their input and take the time to jot down notes throughout the year when someone gives you a compliment or a reflection about your impact. When you do your annual reflection, you can compile these notes to help you build a more complete picture.

Do you have a sense of the gifts that you most treasure?

The sources of your gifts reminds you that you are not alone.

When I think about who bestowed the gifts I value most, the first people who come to mind are my parents and their parents. Genetics and epigenetics determine so much of what we are born with, the advantages we get without even trying.

But the advantages someone like me benefits from goes far beyond genetics.

The strength of an economy, the safety of a neighborhood, and access to things like clean water or education and healthcare. It’s so easy to take those for granted daily if you live in a wealthy country. Yet, these benefits don’t just appear. They are the product of service and labor from thousands of civil service professionals, military personnel, healthcare and educational professionals, and many more.

Taken one step further, you start to see the impact of the environment, other organisms, and even aspects of land formations that impact our lives.

It’s easy to forget that we are all part of a wide and interconnected web of people and ecosystems that provide some of the most important gifts we benefit from every day. Working behind our screens every day makes it far too easy to abstract all of these elements and to complain about them instead of appreciate them.

Taking a moment to remind ourselves of how we are connected helps us feel less alone and reminds us of how each of us has an impact on others.

When do you feel most connected with others? Least connected?

What fills your days fills your soul.

What we take in is what we become over time. The content we consume, the music we listen to, the thoughts we keep, the things we buy, the experiences we seek — they all shape us.

As I reflected, I was struck by how much I’ve learned over time to be more intentional about what I bring into my life. I also realized that when I’m learning something new, like many other amateurs, I’m far less discerning. For instance, as I build my coaching and advisory practice, I’m consuming a wide variety of sources of business-building and marketing how-to content. It’s overwhelming at times and I’m starting to notice that not all of it is necessary or helpful.

The process of spring cleaning isn’t something that we should take on just in our closets or only in the spring. Whenever you start to feel overloaded, it’s a sign to reduce. Most people wrongly assume that they need more than they actually do — in food, content, clothing, and more.

For me, this reflection was a reminder that it’s time to detox my digital consumption. Too much information and not enough practice and execution is the same thing as not doing anything at all.

What are you filling your days and time with that isn’t actually filling your soul?

Every year is an opportunity to refocus your gifts on what matters most.

My grandmother turned 101 last year. Taking my family to meet her in person for the first time was one of the highlights of 2024. It was completely in sync with my top priority: time with my family — kids, husband, parents, siblings, and extended family.

Family hasn’t always been my priority. My early twenties were marked by an incredible need to prove myself at work. Not long after, everything else faded away when I needed to course-correct my health. And friends have always taken a backseat to everything else in my life.

Now, as I enter the second half of my life, I have a very clear and different order to my priorities: (1) family, (2) strengthening my body and mind, (3) building my practice, (4) friends and community, and (5) honing my art skills.

Clarifying these priorities and how they rank for me provides me with a compass to guide my decision-making that is rooted in my values and my goals.

How often do you review your goals? Are you finding them changing more or staying stable?

Your gifts are more than just valuable possessions.

Your gifts can help you realize your priorities.

With my priorities clarfied, I was able to then return to my gifts and ask myself, “what could I do to best direct my gifts toward these priorities?”

I had several insights, but the two most significant were:

• I want to prioritize building out a community

• I could do more to connect the different parts of my life — family, friends, health, and community

I’m not sure yet how that might materialize, but this reflection helped me reimagine what is possible and what is calling me.

When we know where we are headed, it’s so much easier to relax and enjoy the ride.

Key Takeaways

Take my reflection process and make it your own. You can save it for your birthday, or use any time you want to find more clarity.

1. Your Gifts - Meditate or go for a walk and then journal what comes up when you ask, “What gifts do I most value?” Use this opportunity to ask the people you value to kindly share their thoughts and gather what you might have noted throughout the year.

2. The Sources of Your Gifts — Remind yourself from where and from whom your gifts came. Write them down and draw lines on how they are connected. Don’t aim for art, simply use this exercise to visualize the web of people and ecosystems that contribute to your gifts.

3. What Fills Your Days — Take stock of how you spend your time and what takes up space in your life. If there are parts that feel overloaded or overwhelming, consider decluttering to help you find more space.

4. Focus on What Matters Most — Give yourself some more time to pause and ask yourself, “What are my top priorities?” Rank the priorities so that you can use them as a decision framework. Then ask yourself, “Am I organizing my life and work around my priorities?” If you aren’t, it might be time to restructure your time around what matters most.

5. Can You Better Apply Your Gifts to What Matters Most? — Now that you have your most valuable gifts and your top priorities, it’s time to connect your gifts to what matters most. Get your journal and reflect on the question, “How can I best direct my gifts toward my priorities?” This becomes the underpinning for how you direct your energy and time over the next year.

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For most of my life, I would leave each day exhausted. It wasn’t that I hadn’t worked hard. I had.

It was that despite working hard, I continued to feel that I didn’t do enough. My to-do list felt endless. The list was ever-growing and never shrinking.

I started each day, each week, each month, each year expecting I could and should accomplish more, but then I would end it feeling I didn’t measure up.

There were a few moments when I felt proud of an achievement. Perhaps I received a reward, got a good grade, or even got a promotion. But even then, I would immediately move on to the next thing on the list, worried that if I paused for too long, I would be wasting time and becoming complacent.

Life was a race.

And I was behind.

It’s depleting and self-defeating to always feel behind.

At first, I thought it was an issue with school and the constant stream of homework, projects, and tests.

I naively believed that growing up and going to work would solve my feeling of constant pressure and nagging thoughts. No homework. No tests. No applications to competitive programs. No group projects. Being an adult and going to work would free me, I told myself.

Boy, was I wrong.

Growing up meant the exact opposite.

More responsibility — rent, insurance, taxes, meal planning, prepping , and cleaning, transporation. More pressures — would I get a raise, office politics, high-stakes work projects, would I ever find a worthy life partner? More people to compare myself to — people who had more money, a higher title, a larger home, more glamorous clothes.

As I crossed each incredible threshold of success — buying my first property, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, getting promoted, it seemed that a longer list presented itself on the other side.

I could and should be doing more.

Others were.

Why wasn’t I?

Caring for young children while taking on demanding executive roles brought me to a breaking point.

People tell you that you need to go through dark periods to grow. I would agree, but I wouldn’t wish that darkness upon anyone.

The late nights, the lack of sleep, the constant insecurity about whether you’re making the right choices — caregiving can take the most confident, high-performing leader and bring them to their knees.

It did for me.

I became more impatient with everyone around me. I snapped at people I cared about. My words were unfiltered and unkind. I was overly demanding and unforgiving.

I became the villain but felt like the victim. It was a horrible combination.

And the person that got the worst of it?

Me.

I don’t think I was even conscious of how much I beat myself up. It was something I had done most of my life — an old habit.

It took a major shakeup for me to recast my stories and how I saw myself.

The fall of 2013 was not the first time I was pushed beyond my limits, but it was the first time I was CEO.

I was tired of being the one responsible for holding the line against an ill-functioning Board to prevent them from destroying a small but growing start-up. The stress of reducing costs while growing revenue while navigating toxic behaviors had taken its toll.

I had had enough.

I hadn’t sought out the role of CEO and so I thought leaving it would be just as easy.

It wasn’t.

I didn’t need the title to see myself as worthy, but I also felt the pressure of having ascended to the proverbial corporate summit.

I had so many questions circling in my head:

• Was this my one shot at the top and did I squander it?

• Was the only acceptable next step to find another CEO post?

• Would taking a non-CEO role signal that I wasn’t up for the challenge?

• Was my departure a sign that I couldn’t handle the role?

Perhaps it shouldn’t have been surprising that I was struggling with doubt. I was a first-time CEO at 34, assuming the post when my first child had just turned one.

As a graduate of Wharton and a former analyst on Wall Street, I was used to being surrounded by extremely ambitious and successful leaders who didn’t know the meaning of balance or pacing.

There was only one path: the one to the top. There was only one pace: faster than everyone else.

I had already challenged and overcome these notions before, but apparently, they were re-emerging again.

I quieted my mind and silenced my ego only when I reminded myself of how far I’d come.

During this time, I was cleaning out my bookshelf one weekend and came across some high school photos. I was immediately transported.

I could feel the stifling pressure that squeezed my throat and my chest every day without me even knowing, all from how badly I wanted to achieve. I don’t even think that I had a specific vision of what I wanted. I just knew I wanted something bigger, something better.

I was filled with an overwhelming amount of empathy for that hopeful, anxious, and driven high schooler. She had no idea of what was ahead.

Never had I envisioned that I would have attended an Ivy League school or attained leadership roles in Fortune 500 companies. I certainly never thought that I would be the CEO of a company. I hadn’t imagined meeting a partner who would take my breath away and make me laugh every day. And I didn’t think I would be living a cosmopolitan life in Manhattan and building a family.

Looking backward helped me to stop fantasizing about the future and ignoring the present.

Pausing, I realized that what I had achieved, what was happening in my life at that moment was more than anything I had ever imagined possible.

By connecting to my younger self, my past, I was able to more deeply appreciate my present and all that I had done and benefited from to achieve it.

I was able to celebrate my progress, my learnings, and my resilience.

I was also able to hold my decision and future path more lightly.

Reminding myself of how far I had come had a calming effect. I had made the right moves in the past. I had done the work. I had stayed the course and achieved my goals and then some.

I stopped assuming that the future would solve all my challenges. I stopped berating myself for being behind, not moving fast enough, and not being as good as the next person.

Most importantly, I finally started to fully enjoy the present.

Key Takeaways

If you find yourself being unkind or overly critical of yourself, coupled with a narrative that when the future finally arrives, everything will be better, try the following:

1. Remind yourself of your younger self's aspirations

2. Take stock of how far you’ve come and what you've accomplished

3. Fully acknowledge and celebrate your progress, including the challenges you’ve overcome

4. Reflect and see if you can give yourself the credit you deserve, imagining how delighted your younger self would have been if they had known you would have achieved so much

5. Each time you find yourself feeling down or fantasizing about the future, remind yourself of how proud your younger self would be of you just as you are

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In the fall of 2018, I was feeling more drained than ever. I had started a challenging role at a social impact start-up that deeply resonated with me, but the job requiring a lot from me. We were experiencing family sleep challenges at home, but I was resistant to slowing down.

Instead, I was pushing myself harder than ever.

In October, I attended a 3-day in-person workshop facilitated by Conscious Leadership Group founders Jim Dethmer and Diana Chapman. They introduced me to a number of valuable concepts, but the most impactful was the concept of stories and the damage I was inflicting upon myself by gripping mine so tightly.

If you haven’t heard of the concept of stories, here is a brief overview.

• Stories are how humans make sense of what is happening around us. They are how we interpret the world and necessary part of our daily lives.

• They stop serving us when we unconsciously confuse them with facts without verifying our assumptions. That’s when drama ensues.

• Everything from what we assume our spouse was thinking when they left their clothes on the floor to why our colleague talks over people in a meeting.

• The thing is, we need stories to help us make decisions (e.g. today is a good day for my black shirt), but we don’t always benefit from how we use stories to engage with others.

• Being able to be more conscious about our stories helps us use them to our advantage instead of being swept away by them into unhelpful thoughts and actions.

At the time, one of my biggest struggles was navigating the tension between my husband and me about how much I was working.

My husband was pushing me to work less because he believed I wasn’t making enough time for him and the kids. He felt neglected and was worried about how stressed I was each day.

Meanwhile, I was convinced I wasn’t working enough to achieve my company’s goals.

I felt so trapped that for the first time in my life, I started to think that escaping to a monastery and becoming a monk was the best solution. Running away was feeling more and more appealing each day.

Through the Conscious Leadership Group, I learned an exercise to help me become more conscious of my stories and become more intentional about how and when I relied on them to guide my thinking and my behaviors.

It could not have come at a more important time.

When you feel stuck, play with the idea that the opposite of your story might be true.

Here’s how the Opposite Story Exercise works:

1. Write down your story.

2. Write down the opposite of your story.

3. Let the opposite version sit with you even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

4. Ask yourself, “Can you be open to the opposite being true?”

5. If you can’t be open, then the exercise stops.

6. If you can be open, play with the opposite version some more and see where that takes you.

Here’s how the exercise played out for me:

I wrote down my stories

• My story of husband’s view: I work too much.

• My story: I work too little.

Then I sat staring at these words and stewed in a lot of emotions: guilt, shame, fear, anger, and despair to name a few.

When the emotions had flowed through me a bit, I started to write and play with the idea of some opposite stories.

• I work too little.

• I work too much.

• Work is what I do at my office.

• Work is where I need to put effort into my life.

• Work is what matters most to me.

• Work is what I should be putting the most effort into to better my life.

• My most important work is making sure my family life is strong.

• My most important work is taking better care of myself and my family.

Through this exercise, I began to reshape my story and how I saw the world. Instead of viewing work as what I did in the office, I started to see work as what I prioritized and what mattered most to me and where I needed to put the most effort. My work at the office was important, but it wasn’t more important than my health and my family.

I had a revelation: I was working too little on what really mattered to me.

I had been stuck in a negative reactive mode with my husband’s stories and my stories for so long. I finally felt less concerned about who was right and instead focused on what actually mattered to me.

I wasn’t working too much.

I wasn’t working too little.

I was working on the wrong things.

As a result of this exercise, after the retreat, I had a heartfelt conversation with my husband. We talked about practical implications like financial health and more emotional implications like how he and I would feel going forward and we both agreed wholeheartedly with my next steps.

I met with the CEO the next day to scale back my job. I cut my scope by 70%, took a pay cut, and changed my title.

I didn’t even think twice about a decision that only a few years prior could have felt like I was acquiescing and admitting defeat.

I had spent months struggling because I had such a tight grip on my stories and had unconsciously let them shape my decisions and my life.

In the months prior, I had become entrenched in my warped sense of servant leadership and ego-driven feelings of responsibility that placed me in the role of “company hero.”

I had become so attached to the idea of being the hero, I didn’t realize I was also embodying the role of villain and victim as well. I was a villain fighting against my own instincts and the feelings of my loved ones and I was a victim feeling pressured in all directions.

When you become so attached to your stories, even the people around you that you trust, like my husband, start to feel like enemies. If they dare to question your stories, they threaten your sense of world order and sadly, this can result in you holding your stories even tighter.

In many ways, it’s such a simple exercise that you can do anytime, anywhere.

Over time, you can start to do this within seconds in your head, and no one else even needs to know you are giving yourself permission to get unstuck.

As you play with the opposite story exercise, there are some pitfalls to avoid.

Here are some examples of when you shouldn’t use the exercise or should proceed with guardrails:

If you are prone to over-thinking, be careful not to let this exercise become an excuse to avoid making a decision.

• How do you know if you should proceed versus pause? You should proceed if you have followed a solid process of considering alternatives, taking in inputs, and reviewing data.

• If you’ve done the work, trust you have a solid path forward.

• If you want to make space for the exercise, do so with a time limit. Maybe just 15 minutes and then move on. Rehashing a decision over and over is not the same as being open to alternative stories and paths forward.

If you are particularly fatigued, fearful, or triggered, consider alternative paths including taking a longer pause from the specific topic or issue before tackling this exercise.

• It’s much harder, or nearly impossible, to hold something loosely when you are not feeling well, or are experiencing significant or challenging emotions.

• Don’t judge yourself for needing a break or some time away from the topic. Everyone experiences these challenges at times, and your ability to step away is a sign of your wisdom and strength, not your weakness.

• If a decision is urgently needed and you feel you are not equipped to loosen your grip on your stories, appoint someone else to the task. This is not shirking your responsibility. As a leader, your job is to put the best person in the role. Sometimes that person isn’t you. Knowing when to temporarily take yourself out of the game and being brave enough to make the change is a tremendously valuable skill and will result in better outcomes long-term.

Almost any good thing can be turned into a weapon or unhelpful tool when applied incorrectly or overused.

Trust yourself that as you practice this exercise, you’ll know when it is working well and when it’s no longer helpful. If you aren’t sure, find a trusted confidant and ask them to be your litmus test for when it’s helpful versus when it’s not needed.

Loosening the grip I had on my stories and that my stories had on me helped me feel more at ease in all parts of my life.

When you feel less judged and less judgement, life and work get a lot easier. You start to see things as they are, a series of decisions and behaviors that lead to outcomes.

Instead of guessing at other people’s intentions, categorizing people into right and wrong, and assuming your inner saboteur’s musings are right, you now have the option to flip all of that on its head.

Few things in life are more freeing, don’t cost you anything, and are such a low time investment.

Try it out, and let me know what you think!

My 1:1 coaching slots are currently full, but you can join the waitlist for my next group coaching program, Positive Intelligence (8 weeks: February 14 - April 11, 2025).

Retrain your brain and learn more techniques like the opposite story exercise to transform your performance, wellbeing, & relationships.

Learn more here.

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I took a slow breath and tried to steady my shaking hands. I was freezing. I pulled the thin sheet and blanket the nurse gave me over my shoulders and tried to warm myself in the cold hospital bed as I felt the cold liquid from the IV continue to enter my veins.

It was my third time in the emergency room during college. I was a junior, and once again, as a new year began and as mid-terms approached, I had overworked myself and become so dehydrated that I was in the hospital… again.

Sadly, this springtime routine had become a pattern and one I assumed was a necessary part of an ambitious life.

My relationship with rest has always been flawed

I didn’t understand that by overworking myself to exhaustion and illness, I was inhibiting my ability to perform at my best. I was unable to tap into my full cognitive strengths. I was not able to be as creative, as decisive, as compelling as I was capable of being. My momentum was interrupted for days and sometimes weeks from illness. But I didn’t see nor understand any of that.

As a child of the 80’s, I grew up during the age of excess with dreams of gilded rooms and private yachts. Overwork was lauded and sleep deprivation was essential to achieving status and prestige. Striving was surviving.

I saw the litany of health issues I experienced over the years as the cost of success, signs of weakness, and things to hide instead of as the loud flashing signs (like the kind in Times Square in NYC) from my body shouting to me that my approach to work and life was not sustainable.

By the time I was 22, I had been diagnosed as pre-diabetic with high cholesterol, high triglycerides, metabolic syndrome/polycystic ovarian syndrome, hypothyroidism, and chronic neck and shoulder pain. Significant parts of my body were not functioning and I gained 40 lbs in one year on my petite frame.

I began to see illness as the only time I got to slow down and rest. It was not a fun way to relax, but it seemed that my head would only listen when my body issued a full-scale revolt.

I eventually learned to rest, but I still struggle occasionally at setting a sustainable pace for myself

Rest is something I only learned to start to incorporate into my life in my 20s after overworking and experiencing some of the severe health setbacks I listed above.

Leaving a highly stressful job I was ill-suited for, and returning home to live with and be cared for by my mother completely changed the trajectory of my health and my life for the better. Within a year, almost all of my health indicators returned to normal. Within 2 years I lost the weight I had gained and never gained it back.

Raising two children while pursuing an ambitious career building and leading fast-growing and fast-changing organizations, continued to test my abilities to rest long into my 30’s and even continues today in my 40’s.

I remain a work in progress because my default is to be an unapologetic workaholic (if you love it, is it really work?!?).

Earlier this year, at the recommendation of a trusted friend, I read Alex Soojung-Kim Pang’s Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less. I wanted to better understand the scientific research behind why rest matters.

I knew certain aspects, like sleep, mattered from my personal experience, but I felt I had a rudimentary grasp at best, and at worst, I was still a closeted skeptic about how much rest I truly needed. Perhaps more science would help my mind more fully grasp what my body has always known.

Here’s what I learned:

1. Intense-focused work, followed by rest, produces the best results

After you've done the "hard work", your mind needs time to wander. Studies have shown that you improve your creative problem skills with a short break.

Breaks can be as brief as 5-10 min to be effective. This not only helps with your creative thinking, but other studies (not mentioned in the book) indicate that it helps with your overall health — your eyesight, your spine, and more.

As someone who prided herself on being able to take Zoom meetings for 10 hours straight (racking up 17+ meetings a day), but then suffered a variety of ailments, including brain fog and hip pain, this all resonated.

We do ourselves a huge disservice by sitting for long periods, assuming we are being hyperproductive by staying focused for extended periods. Instead, we are reducing our cognitive capabilities and hurting our health in the short and long term.

Instead, schedule breaks to give your mind and your body a chance to re-energize.

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• Try the Pomodoro Method pioneered by Francesco Cirillo:

  • Pomodoro: 25 min of focused work

  • Short Break: 5-10 min

  • Long Break: After 4 Pomodoro’s take a longer 15-30 min break

• Can’t do breaks every 25 min? Start with just one 5 min break in the morning and one 5 min break in the afternoon

  • Shorter breaks will make it feel more doable

  • Gradually increase the time or add another break once you’ve normalized taking a break

• Make getting water or going to the bathroom your break time. Instead of rushing to it, take a few mindful breaths or even take a minute to stretch before or afterward

• Celebrate every time you manage to take a break — do a dance, play a favorite song, track it in a notebook

2. Geniuses work intensely for ~4 hours a day

Charles Darwin, Charles Dickens, Henri Poincaré, Ingmar Bergman all followed this method. They learned that their brains could only focus and generate excellent output for the equivalent of 4 hours a day. They scheduled their days so that they could complete 4 hours of deep work and then chose to pursue other activities for the remainder of the day.

Pang dug deeper into the study that Malcolm Gladwell made famous in his book Outliers indicating that it takes 10,000 hours to become world-class at something (Ericsson, Krampe, Tesch-Romer, 1980). After reading Gladwell’s book, many people assumed that racking up 10,000 hours of practice is what is most important to achieve mastery.

It isn’t.

Pang returned to the original study and learned that how you accumulate those hours matters. The original study found that those who mastered skills did so most effectively in 4 hour per day increments. More than 4 hours of practice a day did not further advance their capability and in some cases resulted in more errors and even worse, learning and practicing poor behaviors.

I was stunned when I read this — that more than 4 hours wouldn’t improve your skills and could make you worse that what you’re learning to do. I could relate, particularly to habits I learned early in life: over-thinking and rumination, spending time redoing work that was more than sufficient, and spending time on details that were far less important than the bigger picture aspects of a project.

So if you want to continue to work towards mastery, aim for 4 hours of deep work a day and give yourself room to rest and invest in other parts of your live the rest of the day.

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• Schedule enough uninterrupted time for your deep work to reduce your context switching and give you time to focus

• Don't try to do more than 4 hours a day of deep -- the returns will be diminishing at best and may lead you to develop poor habits at worst

• Keep track of your efforts and progress. Don’t aim to change your schedule all at once.

  • Take this in increments. Perhaps start with 1 hour of deep work and then gradually increase in 15-30 min increments

• It’s also OK to not get 4 hours in every day. Perhaps you can only get that amount of time in 3 days a week. Start there and see how it feels and adjust it over time

3. The “magic” recipe for exceptional performance requires rest and sleep

In addition to the 4 hour maximum guidance, Pang also revealed something else that Gladwell didn’t highlight in Outliers about the 10,000 hours study.

Gladwell failed to mention that, based on the research study, the full equation for mastery requires: 10,000 hours of practice + 12,500 hours of rest + 30,000 hours of sleep.

Why are rest and sleep so essential to this ratio?

Because our brains and our bodies need downtime to build new muscles (physical and mental) and sometimes our subconscious is the most effective part of our brains at sorting through a challenge and finding a solution.

This resonated so much with me. It helped me understand why I was tired all the time. It wasn’t because I’m a low energy person or somehow deficient in how many hours I could stay awake and be effective. It was because I needed more sleep!

Integrating the ratio with the prior point of aiming for a maximum of 4 hours a day of deep work, it became clear why trainers and doctors for elite athletes guide them to sleep for at least 8-10 hours a day. LeBron James famously gets 8-9 hours of sleep a night and aims for 3 hours of naptime in the afternoon for a total of… you guessed it… 12 hours!

I’m not an elite athlete, but my career choices consistently made me an apprentice at my job, a beginner trying to master new skills. As a result, I can see now that I needed more rest to learn my craft. Sleeping 12 hours a day might not be possible every day, but it explains why for years I would take 2-3 hour long naps on weekends to catch up.

Now, I know that when I’m working on learning something new, I need more sleep and rest. Instead of seeing it as a weakness, I can see my need for sleep as a sign my body is helping me level up.

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• Take the time to digest this one as it likely goes against your ingrained belief system. You won’t be able to put it into practice if you disagree with the concept

• Start with reviewing your schedule and seeing how much time you prioritize for rest and sleep

  • If you have to choose between the two, prioritize sleep time and try to increase the time you have dedicated to sleep if you are below the recommended 7-8 hours a night

  • If you feel that you are getting enough sleep, then think about how you can optimize your remaining hours to maximize the value of the ratio of practice to rest to sleep

• Once your sleep is at an optimal level, look at how much time you dedicate to rest

  • Importantly, while vegging out in front of the TV is a form of rest, it often isn’t the most restorative. That’s important to keep in mind as you tally up the time you dedicate to rest

  • As you optimize for the quantity of time, don’t forget to tweak the quality of the time as well. Explore more restorative forms of rest based on what type of recovery you need (see #8 below)

4. Morning is the best time for focused work, regardless of your circadian rhythm

I found this point to feel biased towards people like me — morning birds —and against folks like my husband — night owls. But Kang made some helpful points about why this strategy works for everyone regardless of your circadian rhythms.

First, it ensures you get the work done. If you start your day with your deep work, you are far less likely to end the day not having made a dent. In addition, if you can control your schedule, you reduce the number of interruptions early in the day and feel more focused.

For those who prefer working later at night, Kang gave examples for how being tired can actually help your creativity by reducing your inhibitions.

There is a reason why brainstorming sessions often start off with the guidance that you are in a “no judgment zone.” Too often, we limit our creativity by prematurely setting boundaries and editing our thoughts. Interestingly, being tired can make you less prone to do that and more likely to let your ideas flow.

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• Get up earlier or schedule more time in your mornings to kick off your deep work

• Try different times to see how that feels for you and what you have to do to adjust your bedtime to get enough sleep

• Don’t become attached someone else’s schedule. 5am might be great for your friend, but 7am might be a much better start time for you. The key is to simply try to start early

• If you are a caregiver, this idea might feel like a pipe dream. That’s ok, start when you can start. That might be 9:30am for several years when your kids are young or if you are caring for elders.

  • Over time as your caregiving needs evolve, you can shift the time to see what works best for you

5. Routine leaves more energy for creativity

Artists put a lot of energy into setting up their paints, brushes, and palettes so that when they begin to paint, they can focus on the creation of their art. I learned this as I restarted oil painting this year. Sometimes, my prep can take up more than 30-45 min depending upon what I’m painting and how many colors and brushes I need.

The benefit of having all my colors mixed, my brushes positioned well and my workspace ready is that when I start to paint, I can focus on making decisions and applying paint. I’m not distracted and can achieve a state of flow more quickly.

Having a routine for your day and for your deep work can give you more space to play around with new ideas and be open to new perspectives. This is how you optimize your cognitive load so that you can focus your creative thinking on the work that requires it the most.

One of the most famous routines in the Tech world was Steve Job’s decision to wear black turtlenecks. It removed one more decision from his daily schedule, giving him back the time it took for him to choose an outfit each day.

It’s counterintuitive, but the more structured your routine, the more freedom you have to “color outside the lines.”

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• Start by outlining your current morning routine

  • What do you do when you get up?

  • Explore ways you could optimize your routine. What could you make less time-consuming or more energizing?

• Now consider your deep work routine

  • Is there a place you like to work?

  • What could make your workspace more conducive?

  • Should you rotate where you work? Could you set a schedule?

  • Are there tools you prefer to use? Tools you are missing?

• Try this out in other areas of your life.

  • Your health and dietary routines, your going to bed routine, your workout routine

  • There are so many possibilities. Don’t overwhelm yourself, but have fun with exploring what works best for you.

  • Remember, you are not static. Your routines will need to evolve as your needs change.

    • Add more structure if you feel cognitively overloaded and remove structures that no longer work for you

6. Naps are a not-so-secret weapon

We already touched on the importance of getting the right quantity of sleep, but most leaders will struggle to get a full 8-10 hours of sleep every night, whether because of travel, meetings, or other commitments.

This is where naps come in. Winston Churchill, Salvador Dalí, LeBron James, and many others at the top of their game nap.

Studies show that naps can improve energy, emotional regulation, and self-control, help with creativity, and strengthen memory. Depending upon the type of value you want to get from your naps, you can either aim for a quick 15 min snooze to give you an energy boost or choose a deeper restorative nap that may take an hour or more.

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• A little research and trial and error can help you determine when you nap and for how long to achieve one or more of these benefits

• If your workday makes it harder to squeeze in a nap, start by scheduling these for the weekends

• If your organization is more open to midday resting time, consider finding a quiet room to lay down your head and close your eyes

• As a leader, you are uniquely suited to model the behaviors and norms that create a healthy culture — don’t be afraid to lead the way

7. Stopping when you're on a roll helps you regain momentum faster the next day

I was completely surprised by this one.

Ernest Hemingway followed a strict schedule, which meant he regularly stopped when he was in a flow. When he restarted the next day, he was confident and ready to go versus having to start with a blank slate. It also allowed his unconscious mind to work through scenarios and plot lines while he rested, giving him more ideas to draw upon when he took up writing again the next day.

It may feel strange or even scary to stop working when you feel clear about where to do next and are energized by the work. This might be especially true if you are new and building your skills in your deep work. I know I’ve had the thought, “What if I don’t remember what I was thinking tomorrow?” or “What if I can’t recapture my energy about this subject again?”

These are legitimate fears and you might lose your thread or your enthusiasm, but like any new habit or skill, you need to practice how to rest to get better at it. You also need to remember that overworking yourself is a surefire way to lose your ability to think, be creative, and persist in your work.

Full disclosure, I haven’t figured this one out yet, but I’m definitely playing with it and testing it. In fact, I have 38 drafts started for this newsletter as a result of this concept. And the reality is, sometimes I do lose my thread and my energy, but overall, it helps me relax to know that I can always pick up a workstream that is part of my deep work (writing).

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• Create a deep work schedule and follow it. Start on time and finish on time.

  • Don't worry if you don't finish something in one sitting

  • If you are concerned about losing a thought, set a timer to remind yourself to stop 5 min early and jot down your next ideas

• When you restart the next day, use a restarting routine. An example:

  • Close your eyes. Take some deep breaths to reconnect with the purpose of your work. Channel that energy to get into the zone

  • Review your work from the prior day

  • Reference your next steps notes if you jotted any down

  • Dive in

8. Recovery techniques should be tailored to your needs: relaxation, control, mastery experiences, or mental detachment

Just as different exercises target different muscles, the type of rest you prioritize should target your needs. You can optimize the impact of your rest by understanding what you need a break from. Not all rest is created equal.

You benefit most when you choose a type of rest that addresses your specific circumstances:

• Relaxation: If you feel you are always on, you need to choose activities that relax you

• Control: If you don't have a lot of decision-making power, you need to seek out activities that provide you with a sense of control

• Mastery experiences: If you are in a state of learning, you need to choose something where you feel more expert

• Mental detachment: If your work is very intense and all-consuming, you likely will need a change of scenery to allow your mind to relax and use different cognitive skills and explore a different space

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• Pause and think about what you might need and seek out activities that provide the type of recovery right for you

• Not sure of what will address your needs? Ask a friend or colleague, search online, or use AI to give you ideas on what might work for you

• Your needs will change over time because the nature of your deep work will evolve. Take stock regularly of the type of rest you are most in need of and adjust your approach

9. Exercise is essential to reducing stress and providing stamina for creative productivity

Exercise reduces cognitive decline and can boost your creative energy. Calibrate it to your physical health and your goal as well as your surroundings and you have a formula for better cognition.

Kang referenced a Stanford research study that found that walking daily for 15 min on a treadmill in a windowless room was as effective as walking outdoors for improving creative ideation (Oppezzo, Schwartz, 2014). Both activities provided participants with a significant creative output improvement compared with participants who remained seated. What’s more, participants who walked saw an increase in their creative thinking ability that lasted even after they sat down post-walk.

In addition to helping you access more creative thinking, being physically healthy and strong allows you to sustain deep work for 4 hours a day. Exercise ensures that you have the muscle strength and staying power to continue to work effectively for the duration of your focus time.

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• If you don't have a workout routine, start one. Even 5-10 min a day will benefit you

• If you have one that works, consider inserting more movement throughout your day to increase your cognition

  • A brisk walk, some light stretching, a few push-ups, or even holding plank position will give you a boost

  • Pick what works best for you and change it up over time to keep the movement engaging

10. Deep play enables creativity

The most creative people derive energy and productivity from deep play. Deep play is a way to find flow, which is achieved when you are doing something that is just the right level of difficulty for your skill level and where you feel real interest in what you are doing.

The difference between play and deep play is simply in how focused your attention is on the activity. This will vary by person and activity because what deeply engages me may not deeply engage you.

I named this newsletter Practice & Play because of how much play has helped me overcome fears, help me reconnect with my flow state, and relax my perfectionist streak. I enjoy my work more when I mix play into my schedule. Right now, my deep play is oil painting, which I spend 2 days a week pursuing.

Deep play is an immersive activity and has similarities to deep work. The difference is that when you play, you release your constraints around what must happen for you to feel satisfaction and joy. The activity itself becomes as valuable as the outcome, and you hold your missteps or changes to circumstances more lightly.

When you see the world through a lens of possibility instead of a lens of risk, you are freer to be curious, creative, and courageous — all hallmarks of people who are better problem solvers and perform at the highest levels.

Practice & Play with the Concept:

• Find a hobby or activity that is rewarding, mentally absorbing, helps you shift your context, and has personal meaning — each of these qualities will ensure that the activity captures your attention and provides a fulfilling experience

• Deep play can be extremely satisfying alone (e.g. completing a puzzle, painting, gardening), but it can also be an opportunity to enjoy an activity with a friend or partner (e.g. ballroom dancing, team sports, strategy games).

  • Consider trying deep play activities with either people you know or new people who share a common interest

• Explore, experiment, and try new ones over time

Key Takeaways

You don’t have to put all of these takeaways into practice to benefit from more rest. Just take one or two and start to make small steps towards incorporating more rest into your life.

1. Intense-focused work, followed by rest, produces the best results

2. Geniuses work intensely for 4 hours or less a day. More time does not equal more results — in fact, it does the opposite

3. The magic ratio for exceptional performance: Practice 1 hour : Rest 1.25 hours : Sleep 3 hours

4. Morning is the best time for focused work, regardless of your circadian rhythm

5. Routine reduces cognitive load, resulting in more energy for creativity

6. Naps help you reach your sleep goals and provide a midday pick-me-up

7. Following your schedule and stopping when you're on a roll won’t set you back. Instead, it helps you regain momentum faster the next day

8. Recovery is more effective if you know what you need to recover from: stressful situations, lack of control, beginner struggles, or intensely focused work

9. Exercise reduces stress and improves stamina and creative thinking

10. Deep play enables creativity

I felt the benefits of more sleep almost immediately, and in the last few years, more breaks, more deep play, and more movement have strengthened my mental stamina and creativity. Most importantly, I’m more present and feel more joy in my life because I rest more. I’ve made a lot of progress and it’s great to know I have a long way to go.

You can achieve these benefits as well!

Your Turn

What are some of the ways you incorporate rest into your day? Share your tip in the Comments below.

A Note of Gratitude

As we near the year-end, I wanted to thank all of my subscribers for your support. I write these posts with you in mind — you are my inspiration and supporting you is what drives me every day.

If there are topics you want me to cover, please reply to my post or download the Substack app and direct message me your thoughts. I would welcome hearing from you and wish you a wonderful holiday season.

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For many leaders, Fall is an intense period of annual planning, budget decisions (and negotiations), and performance reviews. The last thing you want to do is add more to your plate.

But then January hits and you wonder, “what can I do to make this next year better than my last?”

Before you know it, you’re swept up by Q1 and it’s already April before you have a minute to plan again.

How do I know this?

I used to do this.

I wouldn’t start to think about investing in myself until mid-year and by then, it was easier to push it off, “What’s the point? I’ll just wait until the next year.”

But you don’t have to wait.

As Oliver Burkeman reminded us, we have ~4,000 weeks in our lives.

Use them wisely.

Take the time now to set yourself up for the new year.

That is what my 8-week Group Coaching Program is all about — investing in you and maximizing what is remaining in your 4,000 weeks.

Overview

Join me as I guide you through the signature Positive Intelligence program to dramatically improve your performance, wellbeing, & relationships. 

You will learn how to use scientifically proven tools and practices to help you:

• Direct your mind

• Stop your negative thoughts

• Access your inner sage wisdom

• Feel greater peace and joy each day

• Build these habits sustainably so that they have a lasting impact

You will get access to the Positive Intelligence app for a year, 7 weekly group coaching sessions, and one private one-on-one session with me.

There will be 4.5 hours of powerful content and support each week in an intimate small group setting.

This is the right program for you if you are:

• Committed to improving your performance and effectiveness while reducing stress

• Willing to put in the initial effort to rewire years of mental habits that don’t serve you

• Looking for a science-based and trusted system to make it stick

• Want to learn new habits with other like-minded people

Program Dates: February 14 - April 11, 2025 (8 weeks)

The group will be limited to 8 participants to create space for each participant.

Paid subscribers will receive $100 off for supporting this community ❤️

Join the Waitlist

Why I Believe in this Program

I have attended many other trainings and learned other models over the last decade and Positive Intelligence is by far the most effective because it is proven, digestible, and sustainable.

The participant results speak for themselves:

• 98% experience EQ growth

• 92% are better at teamwork and collaboration

• 91% manage stress better

• 90% use mental and emotional energy more effectively

• 85% increase happiness

• 84% are better at conflict management

*Based on survey results from cohort of >2000 Positive Intelligence Program participants after six weeks of mental fitness training

The science behind Positive Intelligence draws from multiple disciplines and is scientifically proven.

There is more on the Positive Intelligence website, but here is a helpful whitepaper on the neuroscience behind this program.

Here’s What You’ll Get:

Positive Intelligence App-Guided Program

(retails for $995)

• Six weeks of app-guided practice, including Daily Focus & Coach Challenges (15 min per day + 1 hour of videos per week)

• Audiobook version of Positive Intelligence, read by the author, Shirzad Chamine

• Access to the PQ online community

• Unlimited access to the PQ app for a full year

• 30 min weekly sessions with a fellow participant as your learning partner

+ Tailored Coaching with Kathy

(retails for $1,800)

• Six weeks of 1-hour group coaching sessions with Kathy

• One 1:1 session (1-hour) with Kathy to explore your specific needs

Cost: ($2,795) $1,400

That’s a 50% discount. Plus you’ll have access to the app for a year to continue your learning with the option to renew in the future.

**Paid Subscribers receive an additional $100 off for supporting the Practice & Play community 🙏

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Who is Kathy Wu Brady?

I'm an Executive & Leadership Coach & Advisor who helps leaders maximize their impact and build their dream careers.

As a leader who has served 2x as CEO, 2x as COO, launched 3 businesses, and transformed 5 organizations, I am motivated to share my learnings and help my clients grow and reach their full potential. 

After over 25 years of searching, I have found that the most effective way to accelerate your growth and impact is to develop your self-command, catch your saboteurs, and access your inner sage wisdom.

Learning how to do this and sustaining your practice does not have to be hard. You just need the right tools and the right guide.

Join the Waitlist

Fill out a brief 5 minute form to join the waitlist:

• The group will be limited to 8 participants

• Participants will be invited to apply on a first-come-first-served basis

Join the Waitlist

Frequently Asked Questions

Who is this program best suited for?

• This is the right program for you if you are a) committed to improving your performance and effectiveness dramatically while reducing stress, b) looking for a science-based and trusted system to make it stick, and c) willing to put in the initial effort to rewire years of mental habits that don’t serve you

• You do not have to work in a particular sector or function nor do you have to be at a particular level or manage a certain number of people. I will ensure that the diversity of perspectives is beneficial for everyone.

How much time will this require?

• The program will require about 4.5 hours a week of your time to benefit from the daily practices, content and tools:

  • 15 min daily practice (or less than 2 hours a week)

  • 1 hour a week of Group Coaching

  • 1 hour a week of video learning

  • 30 min a week of meeting with your learning partner

What day and time will the calls be scheduled for?

• Our kick-off call will be Friday, January 24th at 4pm ET

• We will determine the date and time of group calls based on participant availability, but the ongoing calls will be on Mondays or Tuesdays between 12pm ET and 6pm ET

• You will need to set aside 15-30 minutes a week to meet with a learning partner

• This might sound like a lot of time. In fact, cumulatively, it constitutes less than 3% of your awake time for the duration of the program. Please consider that your Saboteurs are costing you far more than 3% of your time, effort, energy, and productivity. Consider how much more than 3% of time and productivity this six-week investment will save for years to come

Can I take the Saboteur Assessment before I start?

• Yes! You can start your Positive Intelligence journey now. You can take your Saboteur Assessment here

• For a limited time, I am providing 5 free Saboteur Assessment consultations (45 - 60 min) each month. I have 2 left in November.

  • Email me at kathy@kwbstudios.com to learn more

Can you share more information about the science that Positive Intelligence is based on?

• There is more on the Positive Intelligence website, but here is a helpful whitepaper on the neuroscience behind this program

Ready to Transform Your Work & Your Life?

Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Take 5 min to Join the Waitlist.

Join the Waitlist

If you have ever had the experience of hearing an inner voice berate you, criticize you, and make you generally feel down about yourself, you are not alone.

We all develop an inner judge at a young age. It’s actually not only normal, but a part of healthy mental development. The science behind this is well-studied and documented (I’ll add some references in the Additional Resources section).

The challenge is that even if the development of your inner judge is normal, the negative thoughts it sends your way are often not helpful.

If you have ever wondered if there is a way to quiet your inner judge or critic, this post is for you.

A Story

For years, I tried to quiet the inner voices in my head that were critical of everything I did. When I was younger, I thought these voices were my friends. They said things to me like:

“You need to work harder.”

“Don’t give up — push and you’ll move to the top of the class.”

“Why did you say that? You need to be more compelling.”

“Sleep is for the weak. You don’t want to be weak!”

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get back to it!”

I trusted them because I mistakenly thought they were the reason I was:

• Top of my class in high school

• Able to attend a prestigious Ivy League school

• Offered a job by an exclusive investment bank

Once I realized that they weren’t always productive, especially the super negative ones and the ones that were guiding me against taking care of my physical and mental health, I wanted to shut them down.

With a coach, a therapist, and through my own research, I tried a number of techniques:

• Personifying my critics by giving them names

• Writing a letter to my top inner judges

• Meditating and speaking to my critics

But none of them worked. In fact, my focus on those judges seemed to give them more power over me. I found myself listening for them and obsessing over whether I could shut them down. The more I focused, the louder they got.

The volume of their voices was at a roar in the summer of 2020.

It didn’t help that there was a pandemic raging, three of the six executives on my leadership team were taking parental leave, and we had a slew of sleeping challenges in my family.

Then, I read Tara Mohr’s Playing Big.

In it, she provides a meditation she experienced where she met herself 50 year’s from now. It changed my life, and I have since shared it with countless other leaders to help them find their inner wisdom.

I want to share with you my version of the 10-min meditation that changed my life. It’s my own variation and combines Tara Mohr’s meditation with a visualization from Shirzad Chamine who wrote Positive Intelligence, a book and course I recently took that solidified my practice of catching my judge and shifting myself to a healthier perspective. I’ll share links to both books in the Additional Resources section below.

Meet Your Future Self Meditation

Note: Feel free to listen to this in the recording (at 3 min, 50 sec), which is accessible at the top of the page.

Find a quiet and comfortable place to sit.

Close your eyes. Sit tall as if your head is the top of a tree reaching into the sky.

• Relax your shoulders, arms and hands

• Relax your hips, legs, and feet and feel the support of whatever you are sitting on

• Relax your face, your jaw, even your scalp

• If it helps, gently stretch any parts of your body that are feeling tight

Take a slow breath in and then exhale out. Take another slow breath in and then exhale.

Imagine that you are taking a day trip.

• You are waiting on a train platform as your train pulls in

• You find a seat and the train begins to move

• It’s an express train and there is only one stop — the town you are headed to

• The train moves so fast that you can barely see anything outside of the window — just a swoosh of colors and shapes

You relax further and enjoy the soothing sway and the sounds of the train.

When you arrive, it’s many years into the future and you are about to meet your wiser, future self.

• Your future self is healthy in mind, body, and heart

• Your future self is content, feeling fulfilled by your choices and experiences in life

As you walk towards your elder, future self, you look around you — and you feel a sense of homecoming, a sense of calm.

• You see plants and living things that delight your eyes and other senses

• You spot a structure — it might be a house, an apartment building, a tent. It’s a place you’ve maybe wondered about or wish you could live in one day

As you get closer, the door opens, and you see future yourself years from now.

• You peer into your eyes, look at your hair, your face, your clothes. Take a moment to really see your future self in your mind

• Your future self is smiling at you and beckoning you inside

• Imagine what your future self’s home might look like. What might be the decor, the sounds, the aroma inside the home?

Your future self invites you to take a walk around the room and look at some of the photos on the wall. You see images of key moments in your life going forward — with the people and parts of your life that matter most to you.

• Take a minute to see some of those images. They might be about your relationships, your career, your health, your finances, and other meaningful areas of your life

• You take a breath

• As you look at these images, you feel a sense of warmth, of calm, and of well-being

Your future wiser self invites you to sit down.

• They offer you a beverage and a snack

• You sit and relax

• You feel questions bubbling up about worries you have, challenges you are facing

Your future self invites you to ask your questions.

• You start with the one that is most occupying your mind and your heart at the moment

• Your future self listens intently, and quietly reflects

• They give you helpful guidance on what matters most and what you can stop worry about

• You trust them and you feel cared for

You ask another question that has been on your mind.

• Again, your future self listens patiently and pauses to consider what you share

• They share their wisdom with you again and you feel more clear and calm

You then get up and thank your elder self.

• They invite you to come back anytime to visit them

• They remind you that they are always available to you when you need them

• You believe them

You walk to the door and you share your gratitude and you part ways.

You return to the train platform and the train is waiting for you.

• As you sit on the ride back to your current home, you feel relaxed and cared for

• You know your inner, sage self will always be there for you

Breath - in and out.

Take a moment longer if you need it.

When you are ready, gently open your eyes.

A Learning (or two)

When I first completed this meditation, I was astonished at how much I was able to guide myself and care for my own needs — all by accessing my inner wisdom.

Hearing my inner sage was incredibly powerful. What I learned in the process was that my inner critics may never go away. They have been and will always be a part of me.

What has changed now is that I have a counter voice that I focus on more, that often drowns out the critics — the voice of my future, wiser sage self.

The act of meeting yourself in the future, when you are wiser, and have experienced more in life can help you feel more grounded and confident in what you already know.

I find that most often, I ask my future self these questions and their answers are incredibly valuable to me:

• What’s most important?

• What can I let go of or relax my hold on that isn’t serving me?

You can apply these concepts and questions to any part of your life: relationships, finances, career, health & wellness, and more.

Whenever I am feeling less confident or down, I will take a minute to connect with my future self and hear what she has to say.

Getting Started

There are so many ways to practice connecting with your inner wise voice. The easiest is to listen to the meditation regularly. You’ll find over time, you won’t need a guide. Instead, you can simply find a quiet place and take yourself through the visualization.

Another way to practice is to find a learning buddy, someone else who is interested in hearing their inner sage voice and together you can connect weekly or every other week to share how each other's voices are guiding you.

A way to play with these concepts is to journal and jot down what your future self is sharing with you.

• Are there themes that emerge?

• Are there people in your life you’d like to share your wisdom with?

Hold this process loosely and if one version of the meditation doesn’t work for you, try another. There are many out there.

Your Turn

Have you struggled with your inner judge and critics?

What’s worked best for you?

Share your thoughts in the Comments.

Let’s all get stronger at listening to our inner sage!

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Additional Resources

Positive Intelligence book (Shirzad Chamine)

Positive Intelligence Neuroscience Whitepaper

Understanding Your Inner Critic (Psychology Today)

Letter to Fear (Elizabeth Gilbert)

Playing Big (Tara Mohr)