Difficult Colleagues Aren't a Necessary Evil

Gain back your energy and your time with these simple but effective shifts.

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Photo by Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash

We all have one: a colleague who triggers us—and the more senior you become, the higher the stakes when these relationships go sideways.
(Some of us have more than one.)

It might be what they say or how they say it. Or when they choose to act (or not act). Or it might not be clear at all what about them makes us go a bit haywire, and that brings with it its own frustrations.

What is clear is that we get wound up, distracted, and drained when we interact with them.

Is having irritating colleagues a necessary evil of work? Do we just have to accept it and soldier on?

Besides the obvious option of leaving our jobs, what else can we do?

Well, it turns out, quite a lot.

Option 1. Assume positive intent.

It’s possible this person is out to get you and is targeting you with particularly vitriolic behavior.

But usually, it’s far more innocuous.

The cause of most conflict is differences: People think differently, communicate differently, and work differently.

It’s no surprise there will be clashes at times. Yet, most people, most of the time, are trying to do a good job and don’t want to cause distress to others in the process.

At the senior level, misattributing intent doesn’t just drain you—it can derail cross-functional initiatives and damage your reputation as a collaborative leader.

When you assume that the other person isn’t trying to do you harm, you are far more likely to engage with them in a productive way vs. trying to exact revenge or retaliate.

Option 2. Consider if the opposite might be true.

Have you ever had any of the following scenarios play out in your leadership team?

• The CFO is challenging your strategic investment —> You assume they don’t trust your judgment.

• Your peer is questioning your approach in leadership meetings —> You assume they’re undermining you.

• Another division head is slow-walking approvals on your initiative —> You assume they’re being territorial.

When you flip around your assumptions, you may end up with an entirely different response:

• The CFO is challenging your strategic investment —> What if they’re stress-testing it to help you defend it to the board?

• Your peer is questioning your approach in leadership meetings —> What if they’re trying to surface blind spots before the CEO does?

• Another division head is slow-walking approvals on your initiative —> What if they’re managing constraints or competing priorities you don’t see?

This is another way to assume positive intent. And it’s a reminder that our fear and anger are not great guides.

Try it out:

1. Replace the function with a person’s name and name the action they do that triggers you.

2. Write down what you assume negatively.

3. Then flip it to the opposite. Write down an alternative positive assumption.

4. How does the positive version change your perspective?

Option 3. Address your concerns head-on.

Stop making assumptions about what your irritating colleague is trying to do. If you are easily irritated by them or fearful of their intentions, the only way to resolve this is to talk with them.

9 times out of 10, you’ll discover that your concerns are unfounded and you’ll both walk away feeling better. And you’ll save yourself weeks of mental energy spent on resentment and second-guessing.

Some ways to make sure you’re successful:

• Don’t wait too long. Time has a way of making things seem worse.

• Start with why you are approaching them. For example: because you have common goals, because you care about your working relationship, or because you respect them.

• Be specific. A narrow scope makes it more digestible and keeps the conversation from meandering.

• Focus on what you need. You’re not seeking retribution. You’re trying to make sure you both can win. Offer ideas and solicit their help in finding a solution, if one is needed.

• Don’t rush the conversation. When we rush, things come out wrong, and we are less present. Make sure you both have enough time. (I usually recommend at least 30 minutes when you’re new to this.)

It’s amazing what can be resolved when we just talk things out and stop assuming what the other person is thinking.

Option 4. Co-design your working alliance.

Usually, if one person is irritated, the other person is, too.

If you decide to go with Option 3, a great follow-up is to come up with some executive-level protocols that you both can follow to improve your working relationship.

Here are some examples:

• If one of you prefers advance notice for major requests, develop a process for how to give each other adequate runway, and if urgent situations arise, how to minimize the friction. Maybe it’s the format, the framing, or the channel that can make the difference.

• Perhaps one of you gets bent out of shape when asked certain questions in a public forum. Maybe there is a code word or phrasing the other person can use to make these questions feel more collaborative than confrontational.

• Maybe one of you doesn’t appreciate discussions about your function when you’re not in the room. Agree on what happens if this takes place and how you both can handle it well.

When you create an operating habit that is designed to serve both of you, you’re not just making it easier to work together well; you’re building trust.

And trust (or lack thereof) is actually the root of most of these work relationship challenges.

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Your Turn

The great news is that you don’t have to suffer with the stress of a difficult colleague. You can do something about it. The options above won’t solve every issue, but they will solve most issues, most of the time.

The best part? These are all actions you can take — today. You don’t need approvals or additional bureaucracy to get started.

I’d love to hear from you about what’s worked for you. How have you navigated a colleague relationship that was more pain than gain? Share them in the Comments.

And if this post resonated, please give it a ❤️ so that more people can suffer less at work and benefit even more from one of the best parts of any great job… the relationships that amplify your impact.

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Want more from me?

SAVE THE DATE: Monday, December 8th at 1pm ET for a conversation with Maia Molina-Schaefer from Amplify Her Foundation and a 20+ year military veteran. We’ll be talking about Multiple Arenas, One Mission, and her incredible career journey. (Join here)

If you missed my conversation yesterday with Dan Van Tran, don’t worry, I’ll be sharing it in next week’s post. You can catch up on all of my Substack Lives here.

And there are still a few spots left for 1:1 coaching with me in Q1 2026. I’ve also just recently opened up a limited set of corporate group coaching and facilitation workshops. If you’re interested in either, book a 15 min free strategy call.

May you lead without limits,