The Surprising Way One Leader Got Exactly What She Wanted—Without Guilt, Games, or Sleepless Nights
How a values-first negotiation saved her dream job and her sanity.
The offer hit her inbox and for a moment... everything felt right.
Until she did the math on the move her family now had to make.
“This is gonna cost us a fortune,” she sighed.
As the primary breadwinner for her family, Shuli had beaten the odds.
Everyone told her that it would be another 5-8 months before she might land a role. The economy was less than stable and most companies were wary of taking on more costs.
She had been laid off 7 months prior after spending 20+ years at her very first company, a large publicly-traded financial services firm.
Despite having forged a reputation as an innovative leader, committed to learning and delivering great results, Shuli, like many other leaders, was not immune to the large-scale cost-cutting happening all over the corporate world.
Fortunately, Shuli had nurtured her network throughout her career. The same day the news about the layoffs broke, her former boss, Emily, reached out.
Emily was a visionary leader and had left a few years prior to join the C-suite of another large financial services firm. As soon as Emily heard that Shuli was on the market, she immediately called to try to secure her.
As wonderful as it was to hear from Emily, Shuli knew not to assume Emily’s role would come through. Budgets are hard to secure and decisions could change on a dime. So Shuli started her job search while she waited to hear from Emily.
Eventually, after 6 months of navigating internal bureacracy, Emily got the new role approved, and within 3 weeks, the hiring team agreed with Emily: Shuli was the best candidate for the job.
When the offer arrived in her inbox, Shuli sighed in relief. Months of resume tweaking, ghosted interview processes, and sending out inquiries into a void were coming to an end.
But not just yet.
As Shuli started to evaluate the offer, she was taken aback by what she discovered.
Negotiations don’t have to feel like you are entering a battlefield.
The offer was actually very generous. It included an increase in all the relevant areas that mattered to Shuli: in title, level, scope of role, size of team and there was an increase in base compensation as well as bonus and stock.
Shuli’s first impression was the that the offer was more than sufficient, it was very generous.
However, she had been taught over the years, “you always ask for more.”
She wasn’t sure what to ask for yet, so she started to do a little research about the area she would need to move her family to to justify her ask.
This is when she discovered that as generous as Emily had been, the offer would actually put Shuli’s family in a worse off position than her previous job.
Here’s what Shuli realized.
Always start with data and figure out what matters most.
Shuli’s offer was a 30% increase in total compensation than her prior role. In isolation, that felt like a tremendous win.
The largest raise she had ever received in her past roles was 15%. And this increase was off of her highest compensation level, making the increase in dollars more than 3x the largest increase she had ever received amongst her past promotions.
Everything looked great until she considered that her lifestyle costs were about to dramatically change.
The new job required Shuli to move her family to a place where their cost of living was 1.5x higher than their current location. This didn’t just mean they needed to spend more in day-to-day costs, but also meant that their new house was going to be significantly more expensive.
After doing the math, Shuli realized that not only did her compensation need to increase, but it needed to increase a particular way: in base compensation.
Bonus and restricted stock units are wonderful for motivating performance, but they wouldn’t pay her new, much higher monthly bills.
Even more pressing was her need to buy a home in a highly competitive housing market. She wasn’t going to start this job without knowing that her family was coming with her.
The base compensation in the initial offer would mean that she could only put 10% down for an offer. Real estate agents made it clear that wouldn’t put her on on seller’s preferred buyer lists.
To become a more attractive home buyer, Shuli would need more annual cash income to qualify for a better mortgage.
Without an increase in base compensation, it was going to be difficult for Shuli to make the move.
This was supposed to be a moment of celebration. Instead, Shuli felt deflated. Her perfect job was right in front of her, but now it felt completely out of reach.
How was she ever going to get Emily to make such a rich offer even richer?
Negotiations don’t have to be hard if you are clear about what matters.
As someone who used to fear negotiations and nearly failed her college course on the topic, I’ve always been fascinated by the people who can do this well and still maintain positive relationships and generate great outcomes for all.
Over the course of my 25 year career, I have negotiated my fair share of deals and compensation packages. What used to give me fear, over time, became a source of delight and fun.
Treating negotiations as an opportunity to find common ground and joint wins is like solving a complex puzzle. What often gets in the way is our emotions, and in particular, fear:
Fear of not getting what you want
Fear of not handling the negotiations well — perhaps misspeaking, or giving too much away
Fear of hurting your relationship
How Shuli handled her negotiation is a great playbook to follow for any negotiation.
An open and honest conversation is the best way to start a negotiation.
After a good night’s rest, Shuli got up to a bright and sunny Spring morning.
With renewed hope and energy, Shuli recognized that her fear and anxiety weren’t going to get her what she needed.
So after her morning meditation and a cup of strong, black coffee, she got to work.
Shuli organized her research and laid out a plan for how she would speak with Emily.
Once she had her outline ready, she took a deep breath and sent Emily a text, trying to strike the right balance of urgency without panic, “Hi Emily! Thanks for the offer. I have a few questions. Do you have time to talk?”
Emily responded quickly and they got on a call within the hour.
First, Shuli shared how much she appreciated Emily’s offer and how much she wanted to work together. Then she shared that while her goal was to work together, she had to think about her family’s well-being first, which is why she needed to talk with Emily about a revised offer.
Shuli methodically explained her research and why she needed a different base compensation. She shared that while the compensation overall was generous, it simply wouldn’t enable her to provide for her family in the new location.
In addition to cost of living and housing pricing research, Shuli had asked Emily and her HR contact during the interview process about the company’s pay ranges for her level. This helped her understand where her offer landed her in the company’s compensation bands.
Shuli’s offer had her at the middle of her level’s compensation band. This gave her a sense that while Emily’s budget might be capped, Shuli’s compensation had room to rise without triggering concerns that she was out of the band.
After she shared her concerns and needs, Emily offered to go back and see what she could do.
Note: Company compensation bands are usually not a hard and fast rule. They are guidelines that help the organization budget, plan, and maintain some sense of fairness. If you’re not sure about how your company handles them, ask.
Stay focused on what matters most and you’ll find the path forward much less stressful.
Over the next 3 weeks, Emily and Shuli spoke 4 more times. They clarified what mattered most to Shuli and where she was willing to give.
During this time, even though Shuli was felt uncertain about the outcome, she left each conversation feeling good about how she and Emily were navigating the discussions. It reinforced Shuli’s trust in Emily and vice versa.
They were both communicating with high integrity, calmly and thoughtfully. Even if this didn’t work out, they would both leave feeling that they had exemplified their values and showed up as their best versions of themselves. Their interactions only strengthened their respect for each other.
In the end, Emily was able to increase Shuli’s base compensation by reducing her bonus and stock compensation and adding a bit more on top of all of that to help Shuli secure a smooth and positive transition for her family.
Emily was able to make all of these adjustments because of Shuli’s careful research.
Sharing Shuli’s datapoints with her HR team allowed them to collectively come up with a response that felt in line with company policies while securing their top candidate.
For Shuli, the outcome was stellar.
Within a few months, she was able to sell her current home, buy a new home and move her family all before the start of the next school year.
A great negotiation playbook isn’t complex; it’s thoughtful.
What I loved about Shuli’s approach is that even though the stakes were high, she kept her values and her priorities in mind at all times. This allowed her to show up as her best self and created an even stronger relationship with her new boss, Emily.
Shuli took a tough situation and transformed it into an opportunity.
Let’s break down Shuli’s negotiation approach so that you can use it, too.
Clarify what matters to you and why. Ideally create a forced-ranked list (1, 2, 3, etc) so that you know the hierarchy of what is more important and what is less important. Shuli knew that her all in compensation package was fine — she just needed more in base compensation. Having that clarity gave her confidence and steadiness.
Know your numbers. Understand the implications of any change in the numbers. Historical context, past changes, company policies, all of these will help you provide context. When Shuli shared all of her research, it made it so much easier for Emily to justify making a change.
Treat the person not as your adversary, but as your partner. Don’t try to fight the other person. See them as a collaborator and that you both are trying to get to the same outcomes. In Shuli’s case, Emily and Shuli both wanted to work together. That was their joint-win. They were simply navigating a compensation conversation to achieve that joint-win.
Be open, be vulnerable. The easiest negotiations to navigate are with people you trust. Even if you haven’t established trust before the negotiation, every interaction is an opportunity to build trust. Being open and even slightly vulnerable will help you build that trust.
Be patient; don’t panic. No one wants to collaborate with someone who is on edge. Before each conversation, calm your nerves and remind yourself that getting to a great outcome may take more time than you want and follow a non-linear path. You may not get what you want every time. But you’ll up your odds if you keep a positive mindset and as they say, “keep calm, and carry on.”
Keep your values and the relationship in mind. Even when a negotiation doesn’t work out, how you showed up and how you leave the relationship is what will become the legacy of that negotiation. That’s your long-term win even if you didn’t get the short-term win.
Share your best negotiation strategy.
I’d love to hear from you and what resonated in Shuli’s approach or how you handle negotiations and get to the best outcomes. Click through to leave a comment. I read and respond to every one.
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